looking ahead

ph: weheartit

It�s amazing what I put the one I love through.

Honestly.

I�m so sorry, sweetheart.

I�m fine, and all of a sudden my insecurities are touched, and C the Bitch comes out to play.

And I know I�m not the first to realize that getting so near-and-dear in a relationship suddenly brings out the worst in you. Is it really the worst? Or is it that your significant other suddenly has access to your greatest hopes and fears? Oh, how often you�re split! How you throw your shoulders back, taking poised steps, oozing with appeal, and in the same day sob into your pillow and hold your middle and scorn your belly fat, completely itching to be outside of your own skin.

Now, you�ve slowly given over to letting that person in, letting him in, letting him in, �til all in one instant you realize he has access to your very tender heart. The inner workings of your brain are now laid open for him to dissect. And strangely, he is still there. Through all your tumultuous mood swings and honest-to-god shit.

And then you wonder (maybe YOU don�t, ye reader, but I sure do�) when the day will come that he will discover something that he actually can�t handle. Maybe the way you, American girl, twirl your pasta around your fork (instead of poshly and precisely twisting it into a spoon) will finally push him over the edge of insanity. Maybe one day the cute accent in which you pronounce the not-quite-yet familiar German vocabulary will no longer be as adorable as he thinks it is now.

Maybe one day he�ll realize that all the things from your past are always, always going to be there. Maybe not in the room, sitting haughtily on your couch and laughing as you try to have a genuine and fresh conversation. Maybe not in the field overlooking the city sunset as you whisper sweet things. But sometimes they come walking around the corner when you least expect them. Sometimes they turn up in familiar old smells and sporadic old songs and childhood rooms. And then, lady. Then you are done for. They never call and warn you of their short and slicing visit. You�ll bleed and bleed for days. Sooo slowly, that scab forms. And they laugh bitterly, those songs and smells and rooms, because they know there is nothing you can do about the surprise damage to your person. You don�t want to have to always be prepared for the storm.

And I forgot, until a few days ago, how being in a relationship means one is now responsible for how her actions and emotional release of inhibition so directly affect the mien of her companion.

I don�t like to be this way.

I�m not the vulnerable type, though I feign it quite easily. I�m open, very open! But only to a certain extent, that I can control. Love is letting go of that control and jumping off that cliff without a parachute. It�s a beautiful and terribly scary thing. He can�t promise never to hurt me. He�s human. He can�t promise never to leave~ one day, someday, maybe sooner but hopefully later, death will take both of us. He can�t promise me security and stability, though we both have dreams of what this life could be. He can promise me tomorrow as much as I can promise never to get in a car accident. Oh, but I want him here with me forever�

Why do I feel like, I am too happy? That the only reason I am happy is because it isn�t going to last?

I asked you that, the other day�and you said �shh, shhh, mein Sonnenschein. I�m looking ahead and all I know is that there�s you and me, and it�s bright and beautiful.�

Life with you will be far too short.

~C

worth the wait

ph: Psiu_teamo

The moment I woke up I turned around and looked into your eyes. You were already awake. �Stay with me� I whispered with my almost non existing morning voice. �I want to� you said. �but i cant�. You kissed my dry lips and put your hand over my face. We looked into each others eyes, and with only an hour til you were leaving I knew there was nothing I nor you could do about it. But i still whispered �please?�. We made love and got dressed. Took pictures of ourselves standing in front of the window. The morning light was painting the room with a beautiful colour. You packed your bags while I showered. then I got dressed while you showered. We were both kinda quiet. Once in a while we would laugh about something, hug each other for a few seconds while I repeated the same words, or just look at each other. But most of the time we were busy waking up. None of us are morning people.

Outside it was snowing. You carried your heavy suitcase up the hill and i took the lighter one. We got on the bus and got off at the station where the other bus was gonna pick you up. I leaned against your shoulder and a couple of tears rolled down my cheek. You touched my face and said �don't cry�. I tried to say goodbye maybe 5 times, pulling myself away from you. But every time I came back, held you close and said the same words over and over again. �I don't want you to leave. please stay�.

This could be a sad story but its not.

I found real love.

The real real love. Not the kind that will make you cry at night, or ask yourself why he said that, or kissed that other girl, or why he isn't sure about us. The real L-O-V-E. The person I know will love me for the rest of my life. I know it sounds crazy. I thought I found that in those other boys when I met them to. But I was wrong. And this feeling is so different. It's trust. I am calm. For the first time in years.

I went to work. I turned around a couple of times, and you waved at me. At work I kept busy and I laughed. Then I came home and your smell hit me like a wall when I entered my apartment. There were flowers on the kitchen table, a few things in the bathroom that you forgot. The sheets were messy. But the apartment felt so empty. I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning, turn around and whisper "Please stay". My small bed suddenly feels so big. But I know one day I will be able to turn around every morning and you will be there, and you will stay. And even though I miss you every second and every minute, for that, it is worth the wait.

come away with me

ph: weheartit + weheartit