to find someone new

ph: Stefany Alves

I have thought about it many times.
Perhaps mostly because everyone besides myself seems to wonder when I'm going to find someone new. But I don't let it get to me. I'm not looking for someone new. I'm far from ready and I don't want to be in a relationship. I just started to let go of my previous one.

There is a time for everything, and now is my time to heal. To grow strong and be whole in myself. Learn to live with myself, my scars and my memories. Learn how to always feel safe within and not let that one single frightened voice in my head (the ego) stop me from having an open heart and dare to love unlimited.

What has been, has been. What is now is now. The rest is still unwritten.

a kind of girl who can't decide

ph: the berry

My heart is beating so fast, when you look at me...
Let's start from the beginning...

I am in a relationship with a boy. A great boy for about 6 years. I fell in love with him when I was in High School. Things where not always great, we are a normal couple. Now I am a student and I moved out to another city 4 years ago. Everything was normal, we saw each other every weekend or rare, I hadn't much time, I was still studying. On the 3rd year I started 2nd faculty. And maybe it was my mistake...

At the end of 1st term, one guy who was looking at me from time to time was sitting and waiting for the Professor. I was certain that he is attending with me to other subject, so I decided to ask about something. He smiled widely, and when I saw his blue eyes I couldn't say anything more. That was the first time I talked with Tony. It was about one year ago. This ordinary boy made a revolution in my heart. We started talk, more and more often. Everytime I see him, he is so happy, he is smiling to me. I noticed he is touching my hand and saying "hi!" Tony is also traveling a lot and I think he has a little understanding for me and my live out of a suitcase.
(My Dad and Grandfather live in other country, I travel a lot since I was born).

When he is sitting next to me I got crazy. His smell, his voice, his apperance, his lips... I always STARE at him. I suppose that he noticed that. I can't stop thinking about him. When I get e-mails from him I'm so happy as stupid child! I am smiling to myself like a full! But he never asked me to go out. I wondered why, couse I'm not a kind of ugly girl, some people says that I am beauty...

What if he did? Should I go? I probably would go... PROBABLY. I know that he's so cute and nice, girls loves him...

I started to have dreams with Tony. Once uppon time I was at awful party with friends from my university, but Tony wasn't there. I had a dream that I was wearing same short white dress, I was at the same party and I wanted to escape, people around me were angry and rude, but Tony came and took me from this mess, then we got into his car and drove away. He was my hero.I am felling appaling regret all a time for my feelings...

I decided to focus onto my relationship with Wade and end up this ridiculous situation in my head&heart. But I stared to see how imperfect Wade was. Our interest were different, he was living in other city, he was far away when I was crying. Also I still remember how bad he used to be, how difficult he was sometimes. I invited Wade and he came to my flat for weekend before Christmas, he was waiting for me till I end my classes. Then we went on a date. We slept in one bed, but my thoughts were far away with Tony. I dreamed about him again. The worst thing was, that Wade was beside me. Tony was waving and smiling to me.

Yesterday I had another dream that we were sitting opposite each other and drinking coffee, looking into our eyes deeply with love. I have a problem with my dreams and reality. I read an interview with Johny Deep, he said: " If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn�t have fallen for the second."

But still I have my Mum's words in my head: "if he wants you, he'll come across river, sea, ocean and he'll be there for you". That's the only reason I can't even move towards him. Me and my pride. Forever and always. I am a kind of girl who can't decide what dress to buy -white or black? Always buying two. It's killing me inside.

P.
___________________________________
Sorry for my english - it's my 3rd language.

fault

ph: weheartit

I just found out the love of my life has a new girl, and this is what my fingers typed when I told myself to speak out my feelings.

"It's not his fault"

It's not his fault I fell for him. It's not his fault he was my perfect fit. At some point all the weight of guilt would fall on me, because it's my fault I fell for someone who didn't love me back. It's my fault I ache every night when I think of him, and it's my fault I gave him everything without regretting anything. It's my fault for feeling the most incredible, indescribable, immense love towards him. It's all my fault. And I'm paying for it.

i hate you. i love you. i miss you.

ph: Esben B�g

Dear you,

I hate
...you.
...that you call me.
...that you belong to someone else.
...myself or leaving.
...myself for never telling you how I feel.
...us

I love
...you
...you for everything you are.
...the memories you created with me.
...us

I miss
...you
...the way you smile
...our long conversations
...playing video games
...cocktails at our favorite bar
...us

I hate you. I love you. I miss you...

-Me

something that once made you smile

ph: weheartit + weheartit

you�ll never forget your first true love

ph: RengimMutevellioglu

It�s been two years. I remember the two first months felt like forever. Two years ago I thought I would be ok in a two years time. I wasn�t back then, it felt like a never ending pain. But the reasonable me kept on saying "Hold on, just hold on. I will be okay, it will end one day and it will go faster than you expect. It just doesn�t feel like that right now. But I know it will.�

I honestly thought two years would be more than enough to� I don�t even know to what. To move on, to stop hurting, to stop crying, to stop loving. Perhaps even to forget?

But I haven�t. I haven�t stopped crying or hurting. I haven�t really moved on. And I have definitely not forgotten.

So now I don�t know what I should tell myself anymore.

I guess people who say that you�ll never forget your first true love are actually telling the truth.

Namsi

pray for a day

ph: Amanda Mabel

Your E.E. Cummings for the day:

it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart, send me a little word;
that i may go unto him, and take his hands,
saying, Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

I guess sometimes the thing you want most is the one thing you cannot have. Know that I have never been kidding when I said I would (and in some ways I have) sacrifice anything - everything - for you, because you and me and us and we, and our always, mean that much to me. Desire, I guess, wears us out, leaves us broken. Desire, I guess, can wreck a life. But you know, as tough as wanting something can be, I think the people who suffer the most, are those who don�t know what they want or worse don�t do what is necessary to get what they want. In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me, because you see, I fell in love with you, always with a feeling, deep down, that there was very little chance of my ever being with you for that always. Definition of insanity, I guess, but holding true the adage that to love and win is the best thing; to love and lose, the next best � because at least I loved you with a love unsurpassed and never to be duplicated, completely and totally and unconditionally and without limits and with a depth that not even poets have been able to capture or even describe.

I wish you happiness. I wish you joy. I wish you grace. I hope that your life leaves you filled to overflowing with all that you had hoped - surpassing your every expectation. There is a wonderful benediction that goes something like �my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, a hearth constantly warmed by family and friends, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.� I do wish all those things for you.

I will miss telling you what you mean to me, which is nothing less than what you mean to the world. I will miss finding new and wonderful ways to express my every feeling, which are numerous and deep and consuming. I will miss telling you how beautiful and amazing and intelligent and bright and gorgeous and lovely and sensual you are. I will miss describing the wonderment that is every one of your special places � and experiencing each of them inch by inch, touch by touch, kiss by kiss, for a lifetime.

You will always find ways to my heart, but I pray that one day the taste of your name, which sounds of beauty and sunshine and smiles and bliss and the warmth of a blessed day, will sound so, though I am not hopeful. Know that any time I need to see your face I will just close my eyes � you will always be there.

And no matter what, I will always love you. And while I will always hope, and pray and wish for the day when you come to me and say �I am yours, all yours, for always,� I will also just pray for a day when I won�t need you so badly every minute of every day and every second in between. You are a love, beyond love, and you will always have my whole entire heart.

"us"

ph: weheartit

I have a need. A need to write it down, to get my feelings on this paper so I have something that I can hold on to. Because I am confused, so very confused, wandering around a dark room not knowing why or how I ended up in it. Like a clich�. So many stories that I read are applicable to mine, but still I feel a need to write my own story down, a substitute is just not good enough.

How can you not see what everyone else is seeing?

How can you not feel anything?

How can you not care?

My friends and our mutual class mates ask me why we aren�t seeing each other, why we haven�t become a �we� � just you and me. Every time I lie and tell them there�s nothing, tell them they see something that doesn�t exist. But every time I do that, a small part of my heart burns away with an ache so deep I don�t know how to get by. You started out trying to be my friend and we were pretty good at it, those were our glory days. It�s sad, because I truly believe that we could be something more. I�m just not sure you see it, because you don�t seem to care or even give it the slightest thought. Even though your best friend came to me and told me that he had asked you why you didn�t just walk up to me and made us an �us� - just you and me. You�re not bothered by the fact that everyone around us gives us looks, you can�t even talk with me about it. I can�t talk to you about it. I�m too scared, I�m so very frightened that it would make you disappear completely out of my life. I don�t want that. I�d rather be your friend and have you around, hear your voice, see you act up. But every time I find out that you�ve been texting with someone else or if some other girl comes up to you and you�re joking and laughing, this black, huge monster wakes up inside me. I can�t bare it, I can�t handle it. I wish so bad that you could see what everyone else is seeing, be a man about it and confront me, grow up. I�m afraid my heart will shatter if this monster has to wake up too often, I�m also afraid my heart will shatter if you don�t talk to me at all. But for now, it seems to me, that�s the best solution. I�ll stay out of your way, try to keep my distance and maybe my monster will go to rest. All I have to care about after that is to recover from not being with you at all. I�ll collect the pieces of my heart and try to glue it together again.

Although still praying, hoping, for a miracle. For me to be brave, or you to take in the obvious.

They say the last thing that leaves a human being is hope. For good and bad.

~E

unfinished business

ph: weheartit

I can�t get the hang of this. I�ve been typing and erasing and can�t decide how to write so I don�t know how it will turn out. My story is confusing, especially to me. You see, everything we�ve been through, it�s so baffling, intertwined and complexly stretched out that I can�t even put it into words. You know what they say about realising what you have only when you lose it? That�s exactly what happened.

I do not know when I realised it and it must have been a while after it ended... but as time went on and all our different aspects were becoming apparent to each other- for my part at least- I think I fell in love. Fell in love when I wasn�t even on talking terms with this other person.

The thing is that the actual 'relationship' was a short ordeal. We went out for a few weeks but after a while, it was abruptly cut short. All in all, it was a quick thing, too quick for us to properly adjust to each other. The worst part is that despite everything, we had a whole lot of 'moments' and little sweet memories that keep haunting you.

So for two years it�s been this mesh of an unfinished business, an unspoken of and non-verbal communication and many, many stupid mistakes. We used to see a lot of each other so it was painful. There was no way I could move on, especially me being so overwhelmed with his presence. Sometimes one of us made a move. We ignored each other- I don�t know why. We would then get mad with each other and that made everything worse. Cowards and bloody idiots!

Today, I do not know what will happen. Sometimes I feel so sad that two people can be so complimentary and yet clash so much at the same time. I used to get really sad about this. Twice I tried to contact him. Useless. Just as useless as his attempts were.

I have finally accepted the fact that the right occasion won�t ever come up. Not now anyway, I don�t ever see him. Which is good. At least I can have a good shot at moving on.

My final and concluding thought is that I really wish that it wasn�t for him the way it was for me. Because in that case it must have been bloody painful and I really don�t want him to have gone through all that.

I love you.

Despite everything.

sometimes

ph: weheartit

Sometimes it feels like a stick is squeezed between my collarbones, firm but gently, and a dull ache spreads all over my upper chest and throat. It can happen at any time and place, often when I am alone, though it occurs around other people as well. It feels like I am crackling from the inside, my breathing gets weaker, all of my muscles stiffens, my stomach turns and a chronic weariness rolls along. All I want to do is to crawl under my bed cover and pretend that a new ice age has arrived.

Sometimes is now, thank god, just sometimes.

but,

Sometimes I miss us, and what we could have become if grew along, not apart.

S, (sleepless) Sweden

caring about anyone else

ph: weheartit + unknown

so yes, keep those lovely memories with you

ph: weheartit

I just came across this letter while cleaning out my computer files. Two
years ago I clearly realized that yes life does go on. And I am worth it.

Dear Sidney
Read this anytime you thought life was easy, or hard. �oh take me back to the start� said coldplay. Yes coldplay. The lovely piano that Nathan played for you. He doesn�t like you and its hard to hear. And yes he broke your heart but your worth better. Those drunken hookups were nothing, yeah they were fun but they are not going to get you anyone better than him� and that is what you deserve. So put on a smile. Don�t ignore the fact that your sad, or lonely. But move on. Wallowing does no good, and the memory is important. So yes, keep those lovely memories with you, because it is very unlikely your future husband will love coldplay, john mayer, and johsua radin as much as you do. But if he does, because he will be the best man for you and make you extremely satisfied and happy, look back with a smile at those times. Because you loved them. And they killed you but they were great. Watching the stars on the car, seeing him play at potbellies, driving with him. There were good times and you were friends but that is it. And he broke your heart but it will only make you love someone even more, because he won�t do that to you.

Sidney you�re beautiful and worth it. Don�t cry. Love you.

-Sidney

to look back on what was lost

ph: weheartit

C,

I know my words will likely fall on deaf ears, but if it�s the choice between wishing on a star and doing nothing, I�d take the star every time and hope that you might find my letter here and read it with an open heart. Most days in life are as forgettable as the next � things don�t change, people follow the same patterns and do the same things. It�s a rare day that goes to shape a person, the simply great moments and the truly horrible ones, that will last forever burnt into someone�s mind. It�s in these moments that we find who we truly are, and set ourselves on a course to be who we want to be.
You told me that when we met, you had never felt for someone what you felt for me. While I never told you, I felt the same incredible spark, that glowing feeling where everything around you is brighter, newer and in all ways better than before. You set me free, took me on adventure after adventure and showed me a side of life I had never imagined, and in return I showed you the same. We loved a love that has been written about to the point that every word about it is clich�. And that�s okay, because it�s the simplest and most powerful joy in human life. Never before has someone inspired me the way you did.
I do not blame you for walking away, far from it. The days that I would spend with you playfully became less common, the talks of dreams and seeing the world sparser, the basic act of listening which I did not fully comprehend yet was lacking, and in the end I failed to see the simple things you needed.
If there is one saving grace though for heartbreak and time alone, it�s that when the storm clears, we have the ability to look back on what was lost, to see mistakes made, and choose to better ourselves for it. I kept a wall up, and I have only myself to blame for that, but in this moment of letting my secrets go, my feelings for you are as simple as this � every day we spent together was the best day of my life. I know now that the love you gave to me � not the heart-skipping, pulse pounding excitement that I first had with you, but your desire to be with me that kept my heart aflame � was in all ways perfect. I know I�ve said you were perfect before, but I�m not sure I ever really explained that this is how I meant it. If I still had you with me today, not a single moment would pass that I wouldn�t make you feel the same.
I know I can�t make you choose to open your heart up to me again. But if I could now, I would make you feel that perfect love that you gave me. I would run wild with those clich�s - I would be outside your office with flowers every day, I would take you on all those trips we planned, I would get lost with you in adventure, I would drive off into the sunset with you with no real direction and only the desire to spend time with you, to be with you, to make you smile that way that lights up the night. I know I won�t always be perfect, and I know I won�t always be new and fascinating, but given the chance I�d grab your hand and take you on the most incredible journey of a lifetime. If there�s one thing I wish you take from this note, in hopes that you find true happiness, it�s that you discover what those who have come before us and found happily ever after know - that the butterflies aren�t what define love, but are what lead you to it. Until then I�ll be waiting with butterflies.

Love,
P

we keep on living

ph: ruuca

Dear You,

When you ended our relationship after I surprised you on your birthday, the future looked dismal to me. I didn�t know what to do, I didn�t know what to think or feel. Our relationship just felt like one big mess. I wanted to clean it up but I didn�t know how to start � too many things were said and done. But it�s been four months after the breakup and guess what? I�m standing on my own two feet and people say that I look better than I ever did when I was with you. Although it hurts sometimes and I miss you every single day, I am at peace and my world has never felt so put together... so right.

I compared my current healing process to the first one I had to go through when I was in high school. I must say, I did a much better job today. It took me almost a year to get over a silly, little high school boy but it took me just a few months to get over you, my first real boyfriend. I ask myself how I did it. Besides of course the wisdom that comes with age, I think I really had no choice but to make myself strong. If I did otherwise, I would probably be the most bitter and broken girl right now. The things you did to me were unfathomable. You swallowed me, you put me down, and towards the end you treated me like I didn�t matter. Anyone who had to go through that would probably have the same reaction as I did.

But that night you broke up with me and made me walk in the pouring rain, I realized that I couldn�t play the role of the victim anymore. I was sick and tired of it. So I toughened my heart and my head. I became my own friend and told myself that I didn�t deserve this. So the past four months has been all about that. More than getting over you, it was about finding me and allowing myself to be loved by me, my loved ones, and by God. You made me crumble during the relationship and I wasn�t going to allow that to happen again after the relationship. So I built my world again. And I continue to do so.

Although you have hurt me like no one has, I still love and miss you. I still wish that things could be different but they�re not. And you know what? This time, it�s okay. I just hope that one day we can be great friends again � just like the way it started out. In the meantime, I�ll pray for you and hope for the best for your life. And as for me, I�ll give myself what I deserve. That�s what survivors, warriors, and fighters do. We pick ourselves up and we keep on living.

Always, Me

you will be happy again

ph: ffffound + jiaxuan

2 years

ph: weheartit

Dear R,

2 years of beautiful. That's how I look at it. 2 years of something really fucking spectacular. Hell, we weren't perfect. There were dark days and days that I thought the sun couldn't compare to us. But we were this funky twist of fate that turned into a bond that couldn't be denied, only relished and cherished. Our end wasn't pretty. It wasn't simple. It wasn't painless (they never are). We both did things I thought we'd never do, in good ways and bad. We tried to recreate those 2 years, to go back there and steal maybe one more glint of light from that spark. But it wasn't the same, and after many trials, many different outcomes, we are over. It took something really big to show me that-that it was different, that our 2 years were something so incredible they couldn't be duplicated. But I want you to know, I want this to reach you-in losing you as my boyfriend, my lover, I finally see, after these months of indecision and fear (and hell, i'm still scared now) that i miss you as a person more than anything. The best friend I had in you is the part that I never want to lose. Our 2 years of beautiful are worth an eternity of memories, and the friendship that comes out of being that to someone, should never be lost. I'm not sure when we'll find what works, how we can still be close and not get hurt. But I hope we get there. I really hope we do. So know from here that I still love you, that I would always do anything for you and a large piece of my heart will always be yours. 2 years of fucking beautiful, R, really fucking beautiful. Thank you for those. Go out and live, show the world what I was lucky enough to see. I love you, forever kid.

Always,
S

never going to go away

ph: brian oldham

It doesn't feel weird to wake up without you anymore. Sometimes I feel terrible, sometimes fantastic, but it doesn't depend on you anymore. I can take as much time as I want in the morning - I can choose to get dressed as fast or slow as I want to and I can run out the door without having to pull you with me. My glass of water is mine only and is not emptied by somebody else.

But as you can see, I think about you.

But still� not.

I think about the person you were when I still had the energy to love you and you still hadn't crushed us. You were so damn egoistic when you treated yourself like shit. You never understood that we were bound together in the heart and that I was just as hurt as you when you threw yourself around like garbage. The concrete tore up both our bodies. Not just yours.

I don't think about who you are today. I don't miss the one you probably are now. I don't miss who you wanted to be or become.

Sweet you is missing. Gorgeous you. Handsome you. Annoying you. Restless you. Easily embarrassed you. Cuddly you. Morning moody you. Giggling you. Loving you. Real you! Everything you were, with all the negative and annoying behavior you brought with you.
On the inside, you never were something negative. I don't know whom you gave the right to change your personality, but it never really fit with the person I loved so sincerely. You changed shape, in some way. Became somebody else from time to time. Someone I didn't love at all.

Hell, I was so sick of you. And of me.

Maybe mostly of me. I disliked us so much in the end. Everything was so hard.
Only a few things were beautiful. Most things were just so damn ugly. And me! Angry, mad, cranky, sad, hurt, sarcastic, mean. I was everything that I'm not. And full of despair. So terribly full of despair, like I'd never been before.
For five years, my home was in your arms.

I love my life. Yes, I actually do. Despite everything. And can you believe it - I love my life even though you're not here with me!

I confess that I occasionally still feel like I'm dying when I realize that we're no longer� you know� Us. I can never deny that you were my other half. Neither can I deny that you're missing.

I nevertheless think that I now finally, finally, finally have reached the point where I want to leave you behind. I want to move on. I want to go on with my life. I want to look out ahead without seeing you everywhere, all the time.

It's going to take some time before I finally will, but I've taken a step in the right direction.
I want to move on now. And that's what's important.

But damn.

Damn, I loved you so much.
Damn, I always will.

And damn�
The pain is never going to go away.


/ Tanja

the art of letting go

ph: weheartit

something i have to do for me

ph: weheartit

D,

I�m writing this letter to tell you goodbye. I will never admit to writing this, much less ever give it to you, but this is something I need to do for myself. After our nearly four-year story, I�m letting go. You let go a long time ago, and I realize that it is time for me to do the same. I�m letting go of everything I thought that we would become. I�m letting go of thinking of you every single day, more than once. I�m letting go of secretly hoping that we will one day end up together. I�m letting go of waiting. I have realized once and for all that I am not meant to be with you. You know how much I cared about you, so I will not go into that in this letter. I have told you how I feel about you for years. I allowed you into the deepest part of my heart. I allowed you to know me better than I knew myself, and for that I am extremely regretful. I have learned that no girl should ever open up as far as I opened up to you. Nothing is forever, and there is no reason to be so vulnerable. I gave you parts of myself that have taken many months to get back. I put you above myself�something that I will never do again for the rest of my life. I am my top priority, no one else. I look back on our relationship and sometimes find myself wishing that it never happened. I�m not sure if I actually mean that, because, after all, everyone says it�s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I�m not so sure though, because you hurt me in a way that I didn�t know was possible. I loved you with every single part of me. And when we were over, I felt as if I had lost all of those thousands of parts. You left me broken... I still feel broken sometimes. Maybe we went wrong because of the timing. Maybe it�s because we were still growing into ourselves, although I guess there is no use in speculating why things worked out the way they did. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I want you to know I think you are an amazing person. I don�t blame you for the way you hurt me. I recognize that was not your intention. I know you will do great things in life, and you deserve every inch of it. God has taught me so much about myself this past year. In hindsight, I consider our break up a blessing. But, despite the fact that I have been growing a lot, I still have a lot of healing to do. In order to do that, I need to tell you goodbye. Because every time I make the decision to be your friend, I fall harder. When you kiss me, or call me, it is different to me than it is to you. I have learned that the way I care about you is much deeper than your present feelings for me, and I can�t truly move on until I cut you out of my life completely. I hope you don�t take this the wrong way. This is something I have to do for me, in order to love myself again, and someone else. Thank you for everything you have taught me. It�s been a long, crazy ride. Goodbye, D.

Best Wishes & Love Always,

M

love is not on my side

ph: weheartit

I thought I knew how it felt. I thought I had memorized the feeling of not being happy, of wanting more, of being ajar. I thought I had settled for this second skin; the acceptance that sometimes it just isn�t a choice. It is a luxury to be able to feel what you wish to feel, and more often than not, life cannot afford such ease.

The problem with being a dreamer, a writer, a poet, is not that they feel more than everyone else. It is that they cannot escape from it. All the pain, ache and explosions,- others can dismiss as merely a feeling that cannot be contained. But for us, there are endless words to describe the way we feel, to actualize the feeling, to give it existence, to gravitate them. The irresistible impulse to label everything, to get to the bottom of every unexplainable feeling is crippling. To live as a writer is non-apologetic. Everywhere that you try to escape to, is aesthetically numb. Even when you do not see what reminds you of it, words are running madness inside your head.

This is about existing within a world where love is not on my side. This is about struggling every day to stay afloat. This is about my greatest love story. I thought I knew how it felt. I had made a pact with myself that I have no other choice. But that doesn�t mean it makes it any easier to live with. Heartstrings are broken whenever I think to myself, we may be so right for each other, but there will never be a way to find out. So many things remind me of you that not a day goes by that I am able to be completely content. The problem with being a dreamer, is that I feel too much for my own good. When I think about us, I feel dismantled, familiar, damaged and every imaginable adjective in between. There is no other person as capable as you to destruct, love and forgive me. You may never understand it, but it is just a truth that I must live with.

The idea of being happy is extraordinary. Sometimes I dream of not feeling. Of just existing. Of not being physically able to hurt inside. I did not choose to be a person that feels too much, or someone that is compelled to write word after word after word. Every time I think I could be content, something thrusts me back into a higher feeling that I cannot control. I thought I knew how it felt, how everything is, how people are, but I cannot will my heart to think the same.