a kind of girl who can't decide

ph: the berry

My heart is beating so fast, when you look at me...
Let's start from the beginning...

I am in a relationship with a boy. A great boy for about 6 years. I fell in love with him when I was in High School. Things where not always great, we are a normal couple. Now I am a student and I moved out to another city 4 years ago. Everything was normal, we saw each other every weekend or rare, I hadn't much time, I was still studying. On the 3rd year I started 2nd faculty. And maybe it was my mistake...

At the end of 1st term, one guy who was looking at me from time to time was sitting and waiting for the Professor. I was certain that he is attending with me to other subject, so I decided to ask about something. He smiled widely, and when I saw his blue eyes I couldn't say anything more. That was the first time I talked with Tony. It was about one year ago. This ordinary boy made a revolution in my heart. We started talk, more and more often. Everytime I see him, he is so happy, he is smiling to me. I noticed he is touching my hand and saying "hi!" Tony is also traveling a lot and I think he has a little understanding for me and my live out of a suitcase.
(My Dad and Grandfather live in other country, I travel a lot since I was born).

When he is sitting next to me I got crazy. His smell, his voice, his apperance, his lips... I always STARE at him. I suppose that he noticed that. I can't stop thinking about him. When I get e-mails from him I'm so happy as stupid child! I am smiling to myself like a full! But he never asked me to go out. I wondered why, couse I'm not a kind of ugly girl, some people says that I am beauty...

What if he did? Should I go? I probably would go... PROBABLY. I know that he's so cute and nice, girls loves him...

I started to have dreams with Tony. Once uppon time I was at awful party with friends from my university, but Tony wasn't there. I had a dream that I was wearing same short white dress, I was at the same party and I wanted to escape, people around me were angry and rude, but Tony came and took me from this mess, then we got into his car and drove away. He was my hero.I am felling appaling regret all a time for my feelings...

I decided to focus onto my relationship with Wade and end up this ridiculous situation in my head&heart. But I stared to see how imperfect Wade was. Our interest were different, he was living in other city, he was far away when I was crying. Also I still remember how bad he used to be, how difficult he was sometimes. I invited Wade and he came to my flat for weekend before Christmas, he was waiting for me till I end my classes. Then we went on a date. We slept in one bed, but my thoughts were far away with Tony. I dreamed about him again. The worst thing was, that Wade was beside me. Tony was waving and smiling to me.

Yesterday I had another dream that we were sitting opposite each other and drinking coffee, looking into our eyes deeply with love. I have a problem with my dreams and reality. I read an interview with Johny Deep, he said: " If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn�t have fallen for the second."

But still I have my Mum's words in my head: "if he wants you, he'll come across river, sea, ocean and he'll be there for you". That's the only reason I can't even move towards him. Me and my pride. Forever and always. I am a kind of girl who can't decide what dress to buy -white or black? Always buying two. It's killing me inside.

P.
___________________________________
Sorry for my english - it's my 3rd language.

I can�t wait for you

ph: flickr

Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep I pick out my favourite memory of us. Of you.

Sometimes it is when I was lying on you and we were laughing so hard that we laughed even more just because it was so fun to laugh. Your smile.

Sometimes it is when we hanged out first time. We were watching Tangled and you predicted every single thing. The way you irritate me.

Sometimes it is when we used to lie in your bed and snuggle. Chest to chest, arms around each other, legs tangled and cheek to cheek. The way you smell.

Sometimes it is when we wrestled and ended up on the floor with me on top. Winning. Even though I know that you would easily beaten me. Your generosity.

Sometimes it is when we were on our way home to your place after a night out, both drunk and I asked you if you would be hung over the next day and you replied �As long as you are next to me it doesn�t matter how bad I am. I�ll be the luckiest guy anyway.�. The way you made me feel.

Sometimes it is when we were walking and you suddenly took my hand as it would have been the most natural thing in the world. How much you mattered to me.

But most of the time it is the last time we kissed. Because I know that it was the last time.

We are both in the US, for now. But you are going to finish your four year of college here and when my only year is over I�ll be going back to Sweden again. You will still have three more years to go. Three more years apart.

I�ll miss you so much and I will never forget you. But I can�t wait for you. Mostly because I can't wait for someone that doesn�t know what he wants. I told you how I felt but you never told me what you felt. I can only guess and I�m guessing � as much as I�m hoping- that you feel the same way I do for you. But guessing and hoping is not something that will keep me waiting for you. I would need you to confirm it. I would need you to say that you love me back. But you can�t and that is why I can�t wait three years for you.

I�m sorry and I hope life will treat you well.

Yours truly.

by your side

unknown + weheartit

this memory

ph: stefanyalves

I had a dream of you one night and it took me back to the time we spent together. Though I hadn't known you for long I felt so excited about you. I am sad that we had such a short time together, two weeks to one month tops. I don't remember anymore, it feels like it was such a long time ago. I did not love you, obviously you can't fall in love with a person you don't know, but I liked you and would have wanted to get to know you better. I haven't thought about you for ages, honestly I forgot about you, but this dream took you back into my thoughts, though only for a spare second. I remember our first and at the same time last kiss, so dynamic, we knew we wouldn't see each other again for a long time. I remember the time after you left when we messaged each other from time to time with lots of "I miss you"s and "Hope we could meet again"s, but that stopped after a time. For a reason I assume, we were really not ever going to be anything more with so many miles and countries between us. I don't even know if I wanted it to be anything more, it was just fun at the time being and now I know for sure I wouldn't want to change the way it all ended up, because now I can think about this as for what it is - a good memory. The time we saw each other again was just a tease, we didn't know what to do with each other so we ended up just talking about everything, it was for the best. I know you're not the greatest guy nor boyfriend material, but I've never chosen the easy way or the easiest guy to be with. It's all about passion, personality and not doing what people tell you you should do. This is not a "confession of love" or anything like that, I see it more like an official goodbye and a reminder of this memory I have if I would forget again.
-J

technology, visits, and memories

ph: aliciarey

I don�t know why I find it hard to write about you. Perhaps when one has not written something meaningful in a while, it is just hard to write at all.

The second I saw you I was attracted to you; actually, that is an understatement. I thought you were one of the most attractive men I had ever seen. Then you opened your mouth and also had one of the most beautiful voices I had ever heard�soothing, proper, lovely.

Little did I know that years later you would play such a significant role in my life, nor such a confusing one. Above all else you are a wonderful friend. You are genuinely excited when something good happens to me and you�re empathetic when I�m going through a hard time.

Our obstacle is distance. I don�t know what life would be like if we lived in the same place. Maybe we would work, maybe we wouldn�t (although the thought of the latter is quite painful). Right now we have technology, visits, and memories. I just want you to know that I appreciate you and I am grateful for you, Stephen.

Love,
E

a daydream away

ph: weheartit + weheartit

flashbacks

ph: Sandy Voo + weheartit

to say all of this to you

ph: weheartit

I remembered the first time you picked me up in that stupid car of yours & made my sit in silence until your hour of silence was up. I remember the time we met in the parking lot and you listened to me cry. I remember kissing you that night. I remember breaking your heart because not being with you was breaking mine. I remember seeing you walk into that coffee shop 6 months later and feeling like a piece of my heart was complete again. I remember those late nights. I remember wanting to call you the second I left your side. I remember all the phone calls. I remember everything you said. I remember your sweet kisses. I remember falling in love with you, and never telling you. I remember leaving for school. I remember pushing you away. I remember the regret that I felt the second we got off the phone that night after I said goodbye. I remember the tears hitting the floor. I remember that last phone call..."I'm dating someone."

My heart was ripped right out of my chest. I could picture spending the rest of my life with you. Kissing you on that bridge in Paris. Staying all day in bed with you. And now you have all of these dreams with her. She's beautiful. She seems great. Which kills me, of course. But I'm happy that you are happy. I'm not happy that she's the one making you happy. I couldn't give you everything that she can right now. I'm so far away from you. It's the worst feeling. I feel like I have my hands tied behind my back and my mouth covered with tape. If I could just see you. If I could just talk to you. You would see, I'm becoming the woman that I'm supposed to be. I wanted you to be a part of my growth. A part of my change. I miss you more than anything. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say all of this to you, face to face.

But I guess this just serves as a lesson. Never let go of something that means the world to you. I don't care how scared you are. I don't care how lazy you are. I don't care about your pride. Fucking fight for the things that you love.
-r

I love you. I love you. I love you.

ph: weheartit

My dearest Trouble,

I love you! Why should I wait until the end of the letter to tell you? I love you. I love you. I love you. That's what I wanted to tell you. And that's why I'm writing this letter.

We haven't been together for long, about 7 months now, but in those seven months I have changed. I have become a completely different person. Not because you wanted me to be different, but because you love me the way I am. You help me to not swallow down my emotions, but to speak them out loud and to act on them. You help me to feel good about myself because I am beautiful. You help me with everything. You are always there for me and you make me feel "needed" because you count on me.

Some weeks ago we had to part because we both study in different cities, in different countries. I was afraid, so afraid. But not anymore. Here in Germany we say "Geteiltes Leid ist halbes Leid" (A problem shared is a problem halved). So even though I miss you every day, knowing that you miss me too, helps me. Thank you for showing me every one of your faces because I love them all! I love you when you are happy, when you are sad, when you are angry or when you are disappointed. Every time I say "I love you", that's exactly what I mean - I love the whole you!

And before this letter gets too long, I will tell you again. I love you my Trouble! You mean the world to me and I will never let you go, not matter how far or for how long we will be apart.

Yours always,
Monkey

worth the wait

ph: Psiu_teamo

The moment I woke up I turned around and looked into your eyes. You were already awake. �Stay with me� I whispered with my almost non existing morning voice. �I want to� you said. �but i cant�. You kissed my dry lips and put your hand over my face. We looked into each others eyes, and with only an hour til you were leaving I knew there was nothing I nor you could do about it. But i still whispered �please?�. We made love and got dressed. Took pictures of ourselves standing in front of the window. The morning light was painting the room with a beautiful colour. You packed your bags while I showered. then I got dressed while you showered. We were both kinda quiet. Once in a while we would laugh about something, hug each other for a few seconds while I repeated the same words, or just look at each other. But most of the time we were busy waking up. None of us are morning people.

Outside it was snowing. You carried your heavy suitcase up the hill and i took the lighter one. We got on the bus and got off at the station where the other bus was gonna pick you up. I leaned against your shoulder and a couple of tears rolled down my cheek. You touched my face and said �don't cry�. I tried to say goodbye maybe 5 times, pulling myself away from you. But every time I came back, held you close and said the same words over and over again. �I don't want you to leave. please stay�.

This could be a sad story but its not.

I found real love.

The real real love. Not the kind that will make you cry at night, or ask yourself why he said that, or kissed that other girl, or why he isn't sure about us. The real L-O-V-E. The person I know will love me for the rest of my life. I know it sounds crazy. I thought I found that in those other boys when I met them to. But I was wrong. And this feeling is so different. It's trust. I am calm. For the first time in years.

I went to work. I turned around a couple of times, and you waved at me. At work I kept busy and I laughed. Then I came home and your smell hit me like a wall when I entered my apartment. There were flowers on the kitchen table, a few things in the bathroom that you forgot. The sheets were messy. But the apartment felt so empty. I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning, turn around and whisper "Please stay". My small bed suddenly feels so big. But I know one day I will be able to turn around every morning and you will be there, and you will stay. And even though I miss you every second and every minute, for that, it is worth the wait.

i remember you

ph: weheartit


Two years ago, I met a wonderful boy. He was a friend to a friend of mine, and he was visiting this friend for about a week. I had talked to him two or three times before in some chat or something, but it was nothing special about him I thought, before the first time I met him.

He lived in the country next to mine. It seems close. But it isn't. Anyway, two years ago I was heading to the local supermarket, to met this incredible boy and my friend.
A summer day when the sun shined and made everything beautiful, the food tasted better, the music sounded better, and everything was shining and the world was golden.

The first time I saw him it was love at first sight. I blushed. His eyes was blue, but also a bit green. And his hair was blonde. Dark blonde. The way he walked, and the way he talked. Everything about him was extraordinary and I couldn't stop wanting to know everything about him. His middle-name and if his mother still called him sweetheart.

I didn't expect anything. I didn't want anything. I didn't know anything. I just knew that the second our eyes met I couldn't see anything else. So we stared at each other. Long. And that day we walked around and talked to each other about everything and anything. He sang like an angel and had the brains of an professor. He had humor, and everything anyone could ask for. The only weakness he had was that he believed he wasn't memorable. I fell in love in just a couple of days with every little part of him, and he sat outside my door as soon as the sun rised and we walked around my little town next to the sunrise. After that we would run away and swim, or grab an ice cream in the sun. We often just listened to music and talked for hours. Talked til the sun was about to go down and the sky painted it self red.

On the last night before he was going to leave me and my heart who already belonged to him we walked along the beach. With the sunset as our background. He held my hand and I held his, as hard as I possibly could. We climbed up a cliff and sat down. He hugged me, embraced me with every part of him. Kissed my forehead. We didn't say anything. Just sitting next to each other felt safe. More safe then anything else. We knew it was the end. Of this. Of what I thought life was about. He would be to far away. And the sun was about to go down and I wanted it to stay up more than I ever wanted anything. So that the next day would never come, and he would never leave. I wanted him to stay so badly I almost couldn't feel myself breath.
Somehow I must have fallen asleep in his arms, because the next morning I woke up in my own bed. He was gone. The only thing left was a letter in a envelope with my name on it.

"Angela,
I carried you home when the sun was down. When you're reading this I'm probably on the train, on my way home.
I didn't expect this. I didn't expect to fall in love with a girl, a wonderful, beautiful girl, in Sweden in less than a week. Cause that's what happened.
I'm in love with you. You. You. You. I don't know much. But you own my heart, even though you're one country away. Doesn't that say alot?

We're young and we're stupid, but it hurts me that I can't be stupid with you. I would leave everything at home to just be with you, even though it sounds dumb.
I know. It wouldn't work. We can't be together. We're too far away from each other. We have so different life's, so different dreams and wishes. But our hearts are the same. Beating for the other. My heart is always going to beat a bit harder for you. I hope you know that, that you will always be a piece of me, everywhere you go.
I didn't have the time to say it before I had to go, but.. I've never met anyone like you. Ever, and I think I love you. Or, I know I do. I love you.

Write me. And please, remember me."

When I'm writing this it's been two years. We've had others. Loved others. But somehow, we're back to this. In love again.

...........

F,

If you're reading this, I remember you.
I'll always remember you, and when you call me in the middle of the night just to sing a song or when I wake up and read your long emails, or when I take a walk down the beach we sat by just to remember you a little bit more, I remember you so much it hurts, but it feels good knowing you'll always be close. Even though you aren't here.

You are and always will be a person no one ever will forget.
Lots of love, Angela