i don�t know how much longer

ph: Nicole Loher

I love because of you, I hurt because of you.

I want to sit in front of you and open myself up like an over read book. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything that�s been steeping in my head, and in my heart for too long. But I can�t. I�m too afraid to get hurt, to discover the truth � the truth that probably differs from my own. So instead, I�ll sit down and spell out the words and feelings I�m too afraid to look you in the eyes and say.

We had an innocent chance encounter meeting. Nothing special, nothing too note worthy. Our friendly acquaintance banter soon turned into more and at one point I knew I had not only formed a new friendship but one worth enhancing. I don�t know what it was that tipped me off, but there was something � you were something. I wanted to know more about you, discover who you really were and become close with all that was you. It was easier for me to disguise my feelings at first because you were taken. You were with someone else and I knew the boundaries existed. I was not bothered, nor fazed. I had found myself in similar positions beforehand. You were someone else�s and I happily accepted this, I did. If anything, I was just happy to have you by my side as a friend.

Then one day, it was over. You had ended the relationship and you were available again. I had mixed emotions at first: I didn�t want to encroach on your newly single self, your confused mind and your vulnerable state. It wouldn�t be fair. You needed time and space and more importantly a dear friend to turn to, to rely on. I became that dear friend for you. I was more than happy to be her. I wanted to be the ears to your illogical words, the cushion for your irrational thoughts, the reassurance to your questionable doubts. I became all of the above and more � we became each other�s confidant, each other�s go-to, each others emergency call no matter the time of day. In no time we had become each other�s best friends in a new city where we were both strangers only a few months beforehand. Nothing seemed impossible now that I had you by my side. But somehow, even with all this, I wanted more. I wanted you but more than what I already had of you. I wanted our endearing friendship to grow into something else, to be something so much greater than what it already was. I wanted to be that girl that made you look back; that girl that made your heart skip an extra beat; that girl that you held a gaze with for a few seconds longer; that girl you would talk about long after she was gone. I wanted to be your girl but somehow couldn�t find a way to be. Instead, I sat back and listened to you talk about other girls. You would ask my opinion and I would muster up the courage to mask my true feelings and smile while I delivered the lines you wanted to hear. My face wore the brave mask so easily � too easily � while in fact my heart was painted with the true emotions of my yearning.

I tried to push aside all these feelings; tried to trick myself into thinking I was chasing after something that wasn�t worth the hunt. I kept telling myself it would be foolish of me to jeopardize the wonderful friendship we had formed in such a short span of time. I tried to ignore all the little things that made me fall for you in the first place, but in doing so I only grew fonder of you. I kept feeding nutrients to the starving feelings of desire.

And that�s where I still find myself � at a loss. I no longer know what to do, or how to go on. I�m too afraid to tell you with the risk of losing you, and I�m too afraid to let these feelings linger on. Regardless of the decision, I have a sense I will only hurt myself. I don�t know how much longer I can be with you without being with you. I don�t know how much longer I can go on sharing fun filled moments, endless laughter, and standstill time with you. I don�t know how much longer I can bear to look you in the eyes without reaching out to touch your lips; hug you without holding onto you for a little while longer; wake up next to you in bed without cuddling up to your welcoming side. I don�t know how much longer I can go on without me being your girl, you being my guy and us being that couple. I don�t know how much longer I can go on hiding these true feelings from you, remaining dishonest to your always-honest self. I don�t know how much longer I can go on crying true tears to an unknown audience. I don�t know how much longer I can keep on hurting when you have no idea of the pain I�m suffering.

So for now I'll continue to sit back, all the while paying the prices for falling in love with you, my best friend�

pray for a day

ph: Amanda Mabel

Your E.E. Cummings for the day:

it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart, send me a little word;
that i may go unto him, and take his hands,
saying, Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

I guess sometimes the thing you want most is the one thing you cannot have. Know that I have never been kidding when I said I would (and in some ways I have) sacrifice anything - everything - for you, because you and me and us and we, and our always, mean that much to me. Desire, I guess, wears us out, leaves us broken. Desire, I guess, can wreck a life. But you know, as tough as wanting something can be, I think the people who suffer the most, are those who don�t know what they want or worse don�t do what is necessary to get what they want. In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me, because you see, I fell in love with you, always with a feeling, deep down, that there was very little chance of my ever being with you for that always. Definition of insanity, I guess, but holding true the adage that to love and win is the best thing; to love and lose, the next best � because at least I loved you with a love unsurpassed and never to be duplicated, completely and totally and unconditionally and without limits and with a depth that not even poets have been able to capture or even describe.

I wish you happiness. I wish you joy. I wish you grace. I hope that your life leaves you filled to overflowing with all that you had hoped - surpassing your every expectation. There is a wonderful benediction that goes something like �my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, a hearth constantly warmed by family and friends, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.� I do wish all those things for you.

I will miss telling you what you mean to me, which is nothing less than what you mean to the world. I will miss finding new and wonderful ways to express my every feeling, which are numerous and deep and consuming. I will miss telling you how beautiful and amazing and intelligent and bright and gorgeous and lovely and sensual you are. I will miss describing the wonderment that is every one of your special places � and experiencing each of them inch by inch, touch by touch, kiss by kiss, for a lifetime.

You will always find ways to my heart, but I pray that one day the taste of your name, which sounds of beauty and sunshine and smiles and bliss and the warmth of a blessed day, will sound so, though I am not hopeful. Know that any time I need to see your face I will just close my eyes � you will always be there.

And no matter what, I will always love you. And while I will always hope, and pray and wish for the day when you come to me and say �I am yours, all yours, for always,� I will also just pray for a day when I won�t need you so badly every minute of every day and every second in between. You are a love, beyond love, and you will always have my whole entire heart.

to love you in the way you need

ph: weheartit

You just left my apartment, just moments ago. You confided in me, fears about her. The girl who stole your heart years ago. The girl who destroyed it and for the past 18 months has kept pieces of it across the ocean. Now she's returning, and you'll return to her.

You're my best friend. Our simple, casual friendship grew letter after letter, visit after visit. The past four months you've been by my side. I like who I am when I'm with you. I was starting to lose pieces of me, you brought them back. You helped me put myself together and I love you for that. Now it is time for me to be there for you. You are going to go back to the girl that broke you, if she'll have you. You won't admit it, but we both know what is about to happen. It may work out for a while, but eventually you'll be left more messed up than before. You are lost and likely to have your heart broken in the next 10 days. There is an easy way to avoid this heart ache, but you were never one to take the easy way. I like that about you.

I'm afraid of seeing your torn apart. I'm afraid of loosing my best friend. Sadly those are the two options. I want you to be happy, perhaps more than I want me to be happy. I guess that means, if it was up to me....I would choose to loose you. I would choose to watch you be happy. However if she breaks you, I will be there to collect the pieces and put you together again. Fix you like you fixed me.

No matter how the next few weeks pan out. You should know how this whole situation would end if we lived in a chick flick. I would win. She would come home, you would turn her down and run to me. You would confess your love to me and we would ride off into the sunset, or in our case ride off to graduate school. Since we live in reality, I am willing to love you in the way you need me to.

see me too

ph: weheartit

I don't really care if anyone sees this or not, it's not really the kind of thing to get published. I just had to say it- I'm in love. That's it, just love! And he doesn't know, and he can't know. The consequences our relationship would create I'm savy enough to understand, and God knows what he thinks of me day today since I'm so much younger and dumber, but I don't care. I'm past caring. Every little ambiguous feeling of doubt that hung around, that still has reason to hang around, is slowly being dismantled because I realize the truth. Ego rem intellecto. If I could scream it on rooftops I would. And I want him to know because if he points out one more guy or girl that I should date I think it might come out anyway.

I want you. It is you! and I think it's only ever going to be you. Not in that 'I'll never find anyone else' sort of way, but I'll never find anyone as interesting, intelligent, witty, funny and perfect for me again. Sometimes I just stare in wonder, and you see it, and look at me like I'm crazy. But you don't understand how crazy I am for you. No one knows. No one needs to know. I'm up and I'm down and in and out and I've realized I don't want it any other way. It's you. It's always been you. I loved you before I knew you. Yes, it happens, even if we're not together.

This isn't a good story, you're just that person I talk to and can't touch. The one who I'll either marry or think about when I'm marrying someone else. I don't necessarily know what true love is, but you've got the rhythm that matches mine. Turn around one day and let me know if you see me too.

to fall for the wrong guy

ph: weheaerit

This is so hard for me to express, but at the same time it's killing me inside, so here I go...

My boyfriend and I have near a year and a half together, everything was perfect until the worst happened. When I was introduced to his family and we spent time together, all of us, it was cool. Unfortunately, his younger brother, who's also my age, and I became close friends. His brother studies the same major I do, and as time passed I realized that wasn't the only thing we have in common. The three of us used to hang out, a lot, so I couldn't help but noticing how different both of them were. I'm not really sure how this happened but I came to the point where I convinced myself that his brother was kinder than my boyfriend. When I arrived to that point, his brother and I started spending some more alone time together. My boyfriend constantly thought that everything I care about was shallow, but his brother did not think so, we shared the same interests. My boyfriend is afraid of almost everything (and so am I), but his brother is fearless... and that is one of the coolest things about him. I think of him as a bright mind, and my boyfriend doesn't even wanna go to college, he has already dropped once. His brother and I share the passion for the same fruits and vegetables, my boyfriend hates them both.

I realized, that sometimes he wanted to make physical contact, like touching my hands or huggin' me just because, and I tried to look cool when that kind of things happened, but I wasn't cool about it. He always waited for me outside my classroom, so it kinda made my friends wonder. Some of my not so close friends thought he was my boyfriend. It got worse on my birthday, he asked what I wanted him to wear, so I told him. That day, I was kind of upset so my boyfriend tried to comfort me. But when his brother came, with just one look he knew how upset I was. His brother and I ate a piece of cake out of the same plate, and I'm sure I felt he caressed my hand. He also hugged me a lot, and told my boyfriend I was his, of course my boyfriend get a little bit upset, but that was it. There's always and excuse for him (and me) to touch hands, and I'm not sure where this is all going. My relationship with my boyfriend it's just not the same, sometimes I feel we're just two worlds apart. His brother has never had a girlfriend, of friend with benefits or anything in his life, it kinda makes him more interesting. One time he told me that we should have met before, and I started wondering. Staring at him, listening to him is beyond real. I really don't know what to do, maybe I'm just exaggerating things, but all I know is how I wanted to stop time at the very same moment he's hugging me or touching my hands. I'm not a bad person I just happened to fall for the wrong guy.

If anyone has and advice for me please, let me know, cuz its one of the worst feelings.

friends with benefits

ph: StevanFane

There you go. You're in my head. I can't get you out, you're in there eating away at all my thoughts, clouding my judgements, just taking over everything. My imagination is running wild, we already had numerous dates in my head and plenty of conversations. You've already told me how beautiful you think I am and we had our first fight. I met your friends and they think I'm great. You let me beat you in your favorite video game and you saw me cry during a sad movie. You held my hand and pulled me in for a sweet kiss.

Then I bring myself back to earth and realize its just in my head. And when I wake up in your bed I know its time to go home because there's nothing there that's holding me back. The moments pleasure is gone. I give you a light kiss goodbye and spend the rest of my day thinking about you and how it could be.

whether we're together or not

ph: weheaertit

I've liked you for two years. All those English lectures together, the studying, the endless nights of coffee and laughter...

I haven't said anything, of course. I'm far too chicken for that. I'm the kind of person who would just be someone's friend, if that's what they wanted, if they loved someone else I would still be there, being their friend. Even if my heart was totally breaking. I would've waited for you. I would've accepted that there was someone else.

So, then you kissed me Saturday night, two weeks ago. It was the most beautiful night of my life - well, up until now anyway. We danced, and you put your arm around me, and as we sat on the steps in the middle of the city you kissed me. That's when I knew my heart was yours. I wouldn't hide away anymore because you wanted me, and I knew it. You told me, as we sat in the Irish bar with 90s music playing around us, that you've fancied me for a while. And I shyly said "I know. And I have too". It was awkward, but it was perfect.

So we spent time together, we kissed, we drank coffee and laughed and held hands, and you said that you were worried that you made me feel awkward. You were worried that you were making me do something I didn't want to do. I looked at you, stunned, and said "No way!" and kissed you. It couldn't be further from the truth.

But now we're at a stage where we don't know whether we're together or not. We are not quite an item, but we hang out a lot and we kiss. I like you so much, I can't really say. I think about you all the time. All I really want is for us to be together. And for the first time in my life, I'm proud to show everyone. I just want to meet your parents, family, friends, and I want you to meet mine. I'm not self-conscious.

So, my question for you is...are we together? Or are we not? Do you want me, or do you not? It's too late - my heart has already been taken over. This could break me, but I'm hoping it doesn't.

I'm hoping our ending will be a happy one. Just like the Disney movies.

I'm going to ask him about us next time we hang out. Wish me luck!

x