to find someone new

ph: Stefany Alves

I have thought about it many times.
Perhaps mostly because everyone besides myself seems to wonder when I'm going to find someone new. But I don't let it get to me. I'm not looking for someone new. I'm far from ready and I don't want to be in a relationship. I just started to let go of my previous one.

There is a time for everything, and now is my time to heal. To grow strong and be whole in myself. Learn to live with myself, my scars and my memories. Learn how to always feel safe within and not let that one single frightened voice in my head (the ego) stop me from having an open heart and dare to love unlimited.

What has been, has been. What is now is now. The rest is still unwritten.

a kind of girl who can't decide

ph: the berry

My heart is beating so fast, when you look at me...
Let's start from the beginning...

I am in a relationship with a boy. A great boy for about 6 years. I fell in love with him when I was in High School. Things where not always great, we are a normal couple. Now I am a student and I moved out to another city 4 years ago. Everything was normal, we saw each other every weekend or rare, I hadn't much time, I was still studying. On the 3rd year I started 2nd faculty. And maybe it was my mistake...

At the end of 1st term, one guy who was looking at me from time to time was sitting and waiting for the Professor. I was certain that he is attending with me to other subject, so I decided to ask about something. He smiled widely, and when I saw his blue eyes I couldn't say anything more. That was the first time I talked with Tony. It was about one year ago. This ordinary boy made a revolution in my heart. We started talk, more and more often. Everytime I see him, he is so happy, he is smiling to me. I noticed he is touching my hand and saying "hi!" Tony is also traveling a lot and I think he has a little understanding for me and my live out of a suitcase.
(My Dad and Grandfather live in other country, I travel a lot since I was born).

When he is sitting next to me I got crazy. His smell, his voice, his apperance, his lips... I always STARE at him. I suppose that he noticed that. I can't stop thinking about him. When I get e-mails from him I'm so happy as stupid child! I am smiling to myself like a full! But he never asked me to go out. I wondered why, couse I'm not a kind of ugly girl, some people says that I am beauty...

What if he did? Should I go? I probably would go... PROBABLY. I know that he's so cute and nice, girls loves him...

I started to have dreams with Tony. Once uppon time I was at awful party with friends from my university, but Tony wasn't there. I had a dream that I was wearing same short white dress, I was at the same party and I wanted to escape, people around me were angry and rude, but Tony came and took me from this mess, then we got into his car and drove away. He was my hero.I am felling appaling regret all a time for my feelings...

I decided to focus onto my relationship with Wade and end up this ridiculous situation in my head&heart. But I stared to see how imperfect Wade was. Our interest were different, he was living in other city, he was far away when I was crying. Also I still remember how bad he used to be, how difficult he was sometimes. I invited Wade and he came to my flat for weekend before Christmas, he was waiting for me till I end my classes. Then we went on a date. We slept in one bed, but my thoughts were far away with Tony. I dreamed about him again. The worst thing was, that Wade was beside me. Tony was waving and smiling to me.

Yesterday I had another dream that we were sitting opposite each other and drinking coffee, looking into our eyes deeply with love. I have a problem with my dreams and reality. I read an interview with Johny Deep, he said: " If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn�t have fallen for the second."

But still I have my Mum's words in my head: "if he wants you, he'll come across river, sea, ocean and he'll be there for you". That's the only reason I can't even move towards him. Me and my pride. Forever and always. I am a kind of girl who can't decide what dress to buy -white or black? Always buying two. It's killing me inside.

P.
___________________________________
Sorry for my english - it's my 3rd language.

the lovesick

ph: Quyen Nghia

we are the lovesick. the fearless ones. the never giving up.
the hearts undone. sick with the desire to love. to live so far
beyond the boundaries given to us. we are the fence-hopping
fools who never stopped to read the signs. the ones that left
the world behind. like dreams we've drawn in neon light. just
moments in the sea of time. we are the lost ones wandering.
the soon to be smoldering. last to be found. the first to fall and
fail to fly then shatter on the ground. we are the rebels running
wild through a darkness that can swallow us. but we've set fire
to our souls. burning brilliant blinding gold. the flames that illuminate
our lonely road. our futures holding fates untold. we are the
ever-refusing to fold. to fade away or worse to lose. the few that
bend and break apart the cages of our rules. born desperate for the
promise of the mystery unknown. we are the lovesick. and just like
the sun we will always rise. hope still shining in our eyes.. - Jason Reeves.

I have the courage to love.. And I will love you forever.

who will love the girl

ph: Film Fancier

I haven't fallen in love yet. I'm only eighteen, still a baby, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it so badly.

As my second semester of college comes around the corner, I cannot help but think "will he be in this room?", as I walk into new classes; a clean slate, they don't know me and I don't know them.

Believe it when it's said, I'm not desperate nor do I need a boyfriend. Believe it when it's said, I just want to know what it feels like, to have someone in which you can be 100% yourself, that will love all your flaws as you love his or hers.

You see i am a sucker for books, and sappy stories, though I do not like showing it. Both happy endings and tragic endings appeal to me because the characters in stories always feel something nonetheless. Dreaming is all I have ever known.

So I'm terrified that I'll be one of those girls who never falls in love because it hasn't happened yet. I'm also terrified that I'll be one of those girls who falls for anyone just to see if love could be found there.

Who will love the girl who loves getting lost in a book,
chasing those fantasies that only exist in her mind?

Who will love the girl who suddenly gets quiet because she got a bad vibe,
so it ruins her whole day?

Who will love the girl who gets lost is her train of thoughts and will never be able to tell you why she got lost in the first place?

Who will love the girl who yearns for those midnight talks about life and what it has to bring?

Who will love the girl?

I know that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way. Younger, older, wiser: there are many of us. It's a scary concept, love, but I still want to feel it.

-L.C

fault

ph: weheartit

I just found out the love of my life has a new girl, and this is what my fingers typed when I told myself to speak out my feelings.

"It's not his fault"

It's not his fault I fell for him. It's not his fault he was my perfect fit. At some point all the weight of guilt would fall on me, because it's my fault I fell for someone who didn't love me back. It's my fault I ache every night when I think of him, and it's my fault I gave him everything without regretting anything. It's my fault for feeling the most incredible, indescribable, immense love towards him. It's all my fault. And I'm paying for it.

a stranger i cant wait to know

ph: weheartit

as long as i can remember ive always been searching for "the one." romance novels, disney fairytales, and hollywood chick flicks have put images of white knights and prince charmings in my head that realistically dont exist. alas the hopeless romantic, emphasis on hopeless, that i am keeps her eyes peeled in case one magically walked through a magic mirror into this world searching for me too.

in the past ive gone to many lengths to meet my soul mate. utilizing online dating, missed connection sites, blind dates... yet they all end in failure. in most cases my overzealous heart either mistakes him for someone hes not, or scares them away. and yet no matter how many times my heart has been chipped, dropped, and broken, i continue to pick up the pieces and tape them together again and move on with my search.

more recently i took a step back. trying to rearrange my priorities and get the rest of my life in a place that makes me happy. its taken about a year but i feel im finally there. i know who my true friends are and i make time to invest in them. i have a career i love with all my heart and work for a company i truly believe in. i could hit the gym more often but thats not really impairing my happiness too much. im living with my parents, which isnt the ideal situation, but the 3 of us are getting along well and im closer to my goal of savings to get out on my own again soon! but no matter what i do for myself, no matter how many spa days i allow, big pay checks i get, or pounds i loose, theres still something missing. and that is him. the one. my prince charming. my hero.

BUT LOW AND BEHOLD!!! a few weeks ago, i was minding my own business at dillards and there he was. i had just gotten off work, i was exhausted and disheveled, and decided to swing by the mall to grab a few things. i had parked in the parking area i always park in and as i was leaving to head home i walked by the holiday decor. with my mothers santa clause collection in mind i popped in to see if there may be a santa she couldnt live without. sure enough, Irish Santa popped out and i commenced my search to find one to buy. of course i couldnt so i went to look for help. approaching the first dillards employee i could find i found my heart start to race. my cheeks flush. my voice retreating. he was the most handsome man ive ever laid my eyes on. now if you remember prince charming is typically described as "tall, dark, and handsome" he fits this mold in his own quirky way. he is tall. not too tall though. perfectly tall. hes strong and fit. in a way that when he wraps his arms around me i feel safe and protected. smaller. i feel like a space was saved for me in those arms of his. oh is he handsome. i believe the term for him is "silver fox." ugh is it sexy. he wears his silver locks in a Madmen style, classic and chic. his smile makes sparks fire within my soul. his eyes are like deep, endless pools that i could loose myself in for hours. oh how i long for him now... even now he distracts me. but anyways, back to the story. i asked him for help finding santa. as he went to the stock room to search i frantically found a mirror and quickly applied lipstick, powder, and let down my hair... my crazy attempt to make myself more attractive for him. oh did i mention he was wearing the cutest red bow tie?! ugh! as he returned he wrapped up my gift and we began to chat. well, he was chatting, i was flirting. we took notice of each others tattoos and learned we were both of irish decent. it was a short lived encounter that i will never forget. he won me over in 5 measly minutes. without even trying. i left the mall with only the name tony to go by. but i HAD to know him. know who he is. what hes about. everything about him. i wanted him in my life from that very moment.

jump ahead past the crazy stalker faze i had when i got home that night frantically searching for him via internet. its amazing how easy it is to find someone if you really want to. so you can guess... i found him, emailed him, and anxiously waited for a response. i soon learned he was more than willing to start a friendship, but the air soon deflated from my bubble when i learned he was seeing someone. *le sigh*

jump ahead again, its only been perhaps 2 weeks. and we are friends. but i have fallen head over heels for him. without a doubt, deep for him. my heart feels as though it has finally found its counterpart. the last piece to my puzzle. my white knight. (as i type this my phone makes is typical text message sound and my heart jumps as i see its from him :) ) hes the man ive been dreaming of my whole life. i know without a doubt, deep in my soul, that he is the most wonderful man ive ever met. his touch makes my stomach tighten. his smile lights me on fire. when he speaks i want to savor every story. i long to feel what his lips feel like. what his breath tastes like. to be as close as possible to his body.

when im apart from him it feels as though my heart has a string tied around it. and he holds the other end. my heart feels like it is being pulled towards this man. this man that i honestly dont know. hes still very much a stranger. a stranger i cant wait to know deeply, inside and out.

i hate you. i love you. i miss you.

ph: Esben B�g

Dear you,

I hate
...you.
...that you call me.
...that you belong to someone else.
...myself or leaving.
...myself for never telling you how I feel.
...us

I love
...you
...you for everything you are.
...the memories you created with me.
...us

I miss
...you
...the way you smile
...our long conversations
...playing video games
...cocktails at our favorite bar
...us

I hate you. I love you. I miss you...

-Me

i don�t know how much longer

ph: Nicole Loher

I love because of you, I hurt because of you.

I want to sit in front of you and open myself up like an over read book. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything that�s been steeping in my head, and in my heart for too long. But I can�t. I�m too afraid to get hurt, to discover the truth � the truth that probably differs from my own. So instead, I�ll sit down and spell out the words and feelings I�m too afraid to look you in the eyes and say.

We had an innocent chance encounter meeting. Nothing special, nothing too note worthy. Our friendly acquaintance banter soon turned into more and at one point I knew I had not only formed a new friendship but one worth enhancing. I don�t know what it was that tipped me off, but there was something � you were something. I wanted to know more about you, discover who you really were and become close with all that was you. It was easier for me to disguise my feelings at first because you were taken. You were with someone else and I knew the boundaries existed. I was not bothered, nor fazed. I had found myself in similar positions beforehand. You were someone else�s and I happily accepted this, I did. If anything, I was just happy to have you by my side as a friend.

Then one day, it was over. You had ended the relationship and you were available again. I had mixed emotions at first: I didn�t want to encroach on your newly single self, your confused mind and your vulnerable state. It wouldn�t be fair. You needed time and space and more importantly a dear friend to turn to, to rely on. I became that dear friend for you. I was more than happy to be her. I wanted to be the ears to your illogical words, the cushion for your irrational thoughts, the reassurance to your questionable doubts. I became all of the above and more � we became each other�s confidant, each other�s go-to, each others emergency call no matter the time of day. In no time we had become each other�s best friends in a new city where we were both strangers only a few months beforehand. Nothing seemed impossible now that I had you by my side. But somehow, even with all this, I wanted more. I wanted you but more than what I already had of you. I wanted our endearing friendship to grow into something else, to be something so much greater than what it already was. I wanted to be that girl that made you look back; that girl that made your heart skip an extra beat; that girl that you held a gaze with for a few seconds longer; that girl you would talk about long after she was gone. I wanted to be your girl but somehow couldn�t find a way to be. Instead, I sat back and listened to you talk about other girls. You would ask my opinion and I would muster up the courage to mask my true feelings and smile while I delivered the lines you wanted to hear. My face wore the brave mask so easily � too easily � while in fact my heart was painted with the true emotions of my yearning.

I tried to push aside all these feelings; tried to trick myself into thinking I was chasing after something that wasn�t worth the hunt. I kept telling myself it would be foolish of me to jeopardize the wonderful friendship we had formed in such a short span of time. I tried to ignore all the little things that made me fall for you in the first place, but in doing so I only grew fonder of you. I kept feeding nutrients to the starving feelings of desire.

And that�s where I still find myself � at a loss. I no longer know what to do, or how to go on. I�m too afraid to tell you with the risk of losing you, and I�m too afraid to let these feelings linger on. Regardless of the decision, I have a sense I will only hurt myself. I don�t know how much longer I can be with you without being with you. I don�t know how much longer I can go on sharing fun filled moments, endless laughter, and standstill time with you. I don�t know how much longer I can bear to look you in the eyes without reaching out to touch your lips; hug you without holding onto you for a little while longer; wake up next to you in bed without cuddling up to your welcoming side. I don�t know how much longer I can go on without me being your girl, you being my guy and us being that couple. I don�t know how much longer I can go on hiding these true feelings from you, remaining dishonest to your always-honest self. I don�t know how much longer I can go on crying true tears to an unknown audience. I don�t know how much longer I can keep on hurting when you have no idea of the pain I�m suffering.

So for now I'll continue to sit back, all the while paying the prices for falling in love with you, my best friend�

you�ll never forget your first true love

ph: RengimMutevellioglu

It�s been two years. I remember the two first months felt like forever. Two years ago I thought I would be ok in a two years time. I wasn�t back then, it felt like a never ending pain. But the reasonable me kept on saying "Hold on, just hold on. I will be okay, it will end one day and it will go faster than you expect. It just doesn�t feel like that right now. But I know it will.�

I honestly thought two years would be more than enough to� I don�t even know to what. To move on, to stop hurting, to stop crying, to stop loving. Perhaps even to forget?

But I haven�t. I haven�t stopped crying or hurting. I haven�t really moved on. And I have definitely not forgotten.

So now I don�t know what I should tell myself anymore.

I guess people who say that you�ll never forget your first true love are actually telling the truth.

Namsi

I can�t wait for you

ph: flickr

Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep I pick out my favourite memory of us. Of you.

Sometimes it is when I was lying on you and we were laughing so hard that we laughed even more just because it was so fun to laugh. Your smile.

Sometimes it is when we hanged out first time. We were watching Tangled and you predicted every single thing. The way you irritate me.

Sometimes it is when we used to lie in your bed and snuggle. Chest to chest, arms around each other, legs tangled and cheek to cheek. The way you smell.

Sometimes it is when we wrestled and ended up on the floor with me on top. Winning. Even though I know that you would easily beaten me. Your generosity.

Sometimes it is when we were on our way home to your place after a night out, both drunk and I asked you if you would be hung over the next day and you replied �As long as you are next to me it doesn�t matter how bad I am. I�ll be the luckiest guy anyway.�. The way you made me feel.

Sometimes it is when we were walking and you suddenly took my hand as it would have been the most natural thing in the world. How much you mattered to me.

But most of the time it is the last time we kissed. Because I know that it was the last time.

We are both in the US, for now. But you are going to finish your four year of college here and when my only year is over I�ll be going back to Sweden again. You will still have three more years to go. Three more years apart.

I�ll miss you so much and I will never forget you. But I can�t wait for you. Mostly because I can't wait for someone that doesn�t know what he wants. I told you how I felt but you never told me what you felt. I can only guess and I�m guessing � as much as I�m hoping- that you feel the same way I do for you. But guessing and hoping is not something that will keep me waiting for you. I would need you to confirm it. I would need you to say that you love me back. But you can�t and that is why I can�t wait three years for you.

I�m sorry and I hope life will treat you well.

Yours truly.

pray for a day

ph: Amanda Mabel

Your E.E. Cummings for the day:

it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart, send me a little word;
that i may go unto him, and take his hands,
saying, Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

I guess sometimes the thing you want most is the one thing you cannot have. Know that I have never been kidding when I said I would (and in some ways I have) sacrifice anything - everything - for you, because you and me and us and we, and our always, mean that much to me. Desire, I guess, wears us out, leaves us broken. Desire, I guess, can wreck a life. But you know, as tough as wanting something can be, I think the people who suffer the most, are those who don�t know what they want or worse don�t do what is necessary to get what they want. In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me, because you see, I fell in love with you, always with a feeling, deep down, that there was very little chance of my ever being with you for that always. Definition of insanity, I guess, but holding true the adage that to love and win is the best thing; to love and lose, the next best � because at least I loved you with a love unsurpassed and never to be duplicated, completely and totally and unconditionally and without limits and with a depth that not even poets have been able to capture or even describe.

I wish you happiness. I wish you joy. I wish you grace. I hope that your life leaves you filled to overflowing with all that you had hoped - surpassing your every expectation. There is a wonderful benediction that goes something like �my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, a hearth constantly warmed by family and friends, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.� I do wish all those things for you.

I will miss telling you what you mean to me, which is nothing less than what you mean to the world. I will miss finding new and wonderful ways to express my every feeling, which are numerous and deep and consuming. I will miss telling you how beautiful and amazing and intelligent and bright and gorgeous and lovely and sensual you are. I will miss describing the wonderment that is every one of your special places � and experiencing each of them inch by inch, touch by touch, kiss by kiss, for a lifetime.

You will always find ways to my heart, but I pray that one day the taste of your name, which sounds of beauty and sunshine and smiles and bliss and the warmth of a blessed day, will sound so, though I am not hopeful. Know that any time I need to see your face I will just close my eyes � you will always be there.

And no matter what, I will always love you. And while I will always hope, and pray and wish for the day when you come to me and say �I am yours, all yours, for always,� I will also just pray for a day when I won�t need you so badly every minute of every day and every second in between. You are a love, beyond love, and you will always have my whole entire heart.

so i wonder

ph: weheartit

I fell in love with the way he held me tight. I fell in love with the way he'd kiss the back of my hand as he held it. I fell in love with the way he whispered, "I love you" in my ear, the way his breath felt against my neck as we cuddled, the way his lips felt when we kissed, who he was. I fell deeply in love with, I dove deeply.

Months pass and the sweet words flow and everything is fine and as soothing as things where, we were like the titanic. We graced through the water, we didn't see the iceberg coming, we felt it hit. We sank, so quick. One minute we were in love the next he was doubting. From someone who claimed that I was perfection in their eyes, from someone who stated they never wanted me to leave, he left. He tossed me aside, feelings invested, heart claimed, he left. He said we needed a break, said he wasn't feeling what we had anymore. And for so long I blamed myself, so many tears have I spilled. So many bruises cover my heart.

So I wonder, when you walk down the road you took when you left, will you ever stop dead in your tracks and want to run back to me? Will sorrow fill you up and tip you over and have you trying to wipe away all the sadness that has filled you up? Will you miss me and my pure love, my golden heart? Will you come back and snuggle next to me, your spot is as empty as ever since you left. More importantly, in your heart - was that the best choice you made? To leave someone who loves you, because truth be told, I still yearn for you. And I don't know if my heart will remain in the same spot you dropped it at. Will you be afraid when someone else has picked it up?
________________________________________

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and then you came

ph: unknown source via imgfave

They say, the best people come in your life when you least expect it. I was depressed and my heart ached, and then you came. You taught me how to love and how important God was.

You had the answers to all my questions. I miss the way you told me bedtime stories on the phone. The hours we've spend texting about the most random things. I didn't even notice how I fell in love with you. With every part of you. I fell in love with your hair, your brown eyes and your crooked smile.

I fell in love with the way you've let me sleep against your shoulder. I got used to you, used to everything. Everyone said I changed. In only three months. No one could ever do what you did and I love you for that.

I love you so bad that I can't think of you without crying. It's like my heart is exploding and screaming your name. Over and over again.

I love you so much that I would donate my kidney to you. Because a life without you is no love. Without you, my dearest,my love...there's no me.

You're the brightest of all. The sweetest of all. And still i'm waiting, craving for the moment you ask me to marry you. I guess that's all I ever want. Marry you, share the same life, same bed, same house. To share with you is all I ever want to do. But even if the day won't come, and you find love in someone else... please know that you're the bluest sky.

Maybe God has other plans for both of us. Still I pray, each day, for us to get together someday.

Always yours, G.

wonderful things can end

ph: weheartit

i have been working the same retail job for four years, and nothing exciting like this has ever happened. i met him on july 9, 2011. i was working my usual shift, helping no one and wasting my time away folding clothes when the most handsome guy walked through my store doors. he said he really needed help, that he was going to a wedding in an hour (ohh men) and he didn't have anything to wear. i graciously said i would offer help to this adorable guy, helping him choose a shirt and tie for his formal affair. throughout the process, we shamelessly flirted and exchanged simple bits of information with each other. he got my name and i got his. i then steamed his shirt, he paid and left. never asking me for my number, i felt silly and confused at the same time. what did i possibly do wrong? we hit it off so insanely well! nonetheless, i got on with my life and came back the following day for another long shift of folding clothes. this time, i was situated in the back room, counting and tagging merchandise, without exposure to the outside world. all of a sudden one of the girls that works with me came back and said, 'hey, your friend is here to talk to you'. now, i have no friends that stop by my place of work out of the blue, so with a puzzled mind i asked her who it was. she replied that it was the guy that came in yesterday looking for the shirt and tie. my heart stopped, my face grew red and before i knew it i was slinking out onto the sales floor after my prince charming. 'so, i'm assuming you have a boyfriend' that's the first line that came out of his mouth when i greeted him. i quickly replied no, and with a shocked face he preceded to tell me how he felt so stupid for leaving without asking for my number, and thought about me the entire time at this wedding. feeling like a thousand butterflies were fluttering about my stomach, he asked to take me to dinner, and i excitedly gave my number and told him i would love that. it was love at first sight, and i was convinced i found the one.

from here on out, things grew beautifully between us. he called me immediately and asked me to dinner. took me to the most adorable tuscan restaurant, and texted me as soon as i got to my car telling me he had the best time and couldn't wait to do this again. i know it sounds crazy, but after that first date i was head over heels, madly in love with a stranger. he was my soulmate, and i had been searching for him for so long.

within the next month, we had a great time. laughed, kissed, grew to knew each other and our families. everything seemed to be too good to be true. and with that being said, it was. things between him and i moved so quickly it was kind of unreal. within two months, things started to go downhill really fast. he wouldn't commit. he begged me to meet his parents, invited me to a wedding that was two months away, and told me that i was the one he wanted to marry. he said i was so different and so perfect, he cannot believe how lucky he was to find me. but, with all this being said, he did not want me as his girlfriend.

i shrugged it off a couple of weeks, but it soon began to eat me away inside. what was wrong with me? why didn't he want me? what was I doing wrong? i became obsessed with trying to figure out what the issue was, and with him being two years younger than i, and a junior in college, i figured it was just his immature age. he kept telling me things just went too fast, and he needed time to think about what he wanted. i let him give me this excuse for a couple of weeks, and then after two and a half months, and countless tears later, i called it quits. here i was, completely in love, with someone who told me he wanted me forever as his wife, and he didn't want me.

sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don't. maybe his and my timing was just off. because i know what we had was unreal. now, i am just happy to have experienced such a feeling of admiration and love....what i learned was that..wonderful things can end, even quicker than they began.

i am not sure what love is

ph: sommerbrise

Sometimes I am not sure what love is. Sometimes I would find myself asking is this how love is suppose to feel?

There used to be days I was really sure what it is. Moment of first love that innocent fluttering feeling which comes out and lives within me with excitement made me confident this was probably was love was. Fresh and new and full of excitement. Then in the midst of smiles and laughter, tears came along..with anger and pain. What seem to me like it was everlasting love, flew out of the window in just a blink of an eye. Questions began to rise, isn't love suppose to be everlasting? or is it just a spur of the moment thing? Can you really lose love with time?

Second and third relationships ended up the same way. Things such as 'I felt love in the beginning, but somehow I lost it with you... you'd be better off with another better guy' became a common quote. Innocent image of love gets lost in the process. All you'd recall is just how 'love' doesn't last and that well maybe you just don't know what exactly love is.

Funny, how easy it is sometimes to forget all those happy moments you share with a person that you've build together for a period of time in just a blink of an eye... then later on only recall the pain which acts as the base for the defensive mechanism you unknowingly build around you. Sometimes I guess maybe I chose not to believe in love so I don't get hurt again.

I'm back again on the track but I am not sure what I am feeling is really love, or just a longing to be with someone, since I've seem to have a misconception. The image of love began to be blurry. What exactly it is begins to be uncertain. I doubt almost everything and just things flow, but I can't really feel like I am all there.

In the end I am still not sure.

"us"

ph: weheartit

I have a need. A need to write it down, to get my feelings on this paper so I have something that I can hold on to. Because I am confused, so very confused, wandering around a dark room not knowing why or how I ended up in it. Like a clich�. So many stories that I read are applicable to mine, but still I feel a need to write my own story down, a substitute is just not good enough.

How can you not see what everyone else is seeing?

How can you not feel anything?

How can you not care?

My friends and our mutual class mates ask me why we aren�t seeing each other, why we haven�t become a �we� � just you and me. Every time I lie and tell them there�s nothing, tell them they see something that doesn�t exist. But every time I do that, a small part of my heart burns away with an ache so deep I don�t know how to get by. You started out trying to be my friend and we were pretty good at it, those were our glory days. It�s sad, because I truly believe that we could be something more. I�m just not sure you see it, because you don�t seem to care or even give it the slightest thought. Even though your best friend came to me and told me that he had asked you why you didn�t just walk up to me and made us an �us� - just you and me. You�re not bothered by the fact that everyone around us gives us looks, you can�t even talk with me about it. I can�t talk to you about it. I�m too scared, I�m so very frightened that it would make you disappear completely out of my life. I don�t want that. I�d rather be your friend and have you around, hear your voice, see you act up. But every time I find out that you�ve been texting with someone else or if some other girl comes up to you and you�re joking and laughing, this black, huge monster wakes up inside me. I can�t bare it, I can�t handle it. I wish so bad that you could see what everyone else is seeing, be a man about it and confront me, grow up. I�m afraid my heart will shatter if this monster has to wake up too often, I�m also afraid my heart will shatter if you don�t talk to me at all. But for now, it seems to me, that�s the best solution. I�ll stay out of your way, try to keep my distance and maybe my monster will go to rest. All I have to care about after that is to recover from not being with you at all. I�ll collect the pieces of my heart and try to glue it together again.

Although still praying, hoping, for a miracle. For me to be brave, or you to take in the obvious.

They say the last thing that leaves a human being is hope. For good and bad.

~E

to feel about him the way he feels about me

ph: weheartit

When the chance at a relationship fails, the closest the other person can get to you is being best friends... These words passed by me a few months ago and I hadn't taken much note of them until I realized what was going on. He calls me awake every morning, he sends me a good luck message before every single exam, he baked me brownies, he gave me roses, he constantly tells me I'm beautiful, he notices every little detail, he was there when my grandmother died, he was there when I was stressing about university admission, when we bicker he's always the first to apologize, he's respectful, he's honest, he adores my family, he adores me... So why can't I bring myself to feel about him the way he feels about me? I'm broken.

this memory

ph: stefanyalves

I had a dream of you one night and it took me back to the time we spent together. Though I hadn't known you for long I felt so excited about you. I am sad that we had such a short time together, two weeks to one month tops. I don't remember anymore, it feels like it was such a long time ago. I did not love you, obviously you can't fall in love with a person you don't know, but I liked you and would have wanted to get to know you better. I haven't thought about you for ages, honestly I forgot about you, but this dream took you back into my thoughts, though only for a spare second. I remember our first and at the same time last kiss, so dynamic, we knew we wouldn't see each other again for a long time. I remember the time after you left when we messaged each other from time to time with lots of "I miss you"s and "Hope we could meet again"s, but that stopped after a time. For a reason I assume, we were really not ever going to be anything more with so many miles and countries between us. I don't even know if I wanted it to be anything more, it was just fun at the time being and now I know for sure I wouldn't want to change the way it all ended up, because now I can think about this as for what it is - a good memory. The time we saw each other again was just a tease, we didn't know what to do with each other so we ended up just talking about everything, it was for the best. I know you're not the greatest guy nor boyfriend material, but I've never chosen the easy way or the easiest guy to be with. It's all about passion, personality and not doing what people tell you you should do. This is not a "confession of love" or anything like that, I see it more like an official goodbye and a reminder of this memory I have if I would forget again.
-J

unfinished business

ph: weheartit

I can�t get the hang of this. I�ve been typing and erasing and can�t decide how to write so I don�t know how it will turn out. My story is confusing, especially to me. You see, everything we�ve been through, it�s so baffling, intertwined and complexly stretched out that I can�t even put it into words. You know what they say about realising what you have only when you lose it? That�s exactly what happened.

I do not know when I realised it and it must have been a while after it ended... but as time went on and all our different aspects were becoming apparent to each other- for my part at least- I think I fell in love. Fell in love when I wasn�t even on talking terms with this other person.

The thing is that the actual 'relationship' was a short ordeal. We went out for a few weeks but after a while, it was abruptly cut short. All in all, it was a quick thing, too quick for us to properly adjust to each other. The worst part is that despite everything, we had a whole lot of 'moments' and little sweet memories that keep haunting you.

So for two years it�s been this mesh of an unfinished business, an unspoken of and non-verbal communication and many, many stupid mistakes. We used to see a lot of each other so it was painful. There was no way I could move on, especially me being so overwhelmed with his presence. Sometimes one of us made a move. We ignored each other- I don�t know why. We would then get mad with each other and that made everything worse. Cowards and bloody idiots!

Today, I do not know what will happen. Sometimes I feel so sad that two people can be so complimentary and yet clash so much at the same time. I used to get really sad about this. Twice I tried to contact him. Useless. Just as useless as his attempts were.

I have finally accepted the fact that the right occasion won�t ever come up. Not now anyway, I don�t ever see him. Which is good. At least I can have a good shot at moving on.

My final and concluding thought is that I really wish that it wasn�t for him the way it was for me. Because in that case it must have been bloody painful and I really don�t want him to have gone through all that.

I love you.

Despite everything.

sometimes

ph: weheartit

Sometimes it feels like a stick is squeezed between my collarbones, firm but gently, and a dull ache spreads all over my upper chest and throat. It can happen at any time and place, often when I am alone, though it occurs around other people as well. It feels like I am crackling from the inside, my breathing gets weaker, all of my muscles stiffens, my stomach turns and a chronic weariness rolls along. All I want to do is to crawl under my bed cover and pretend that a new ice age has arrived.

Sometimes is now, thank god, just sometimes.

but,

Sometimes I miss us, and what we could have become if grew along, not apart.

S, (sleepless) Sweden