i think i already do

photo: Theo Gosselin

I am trying to make sense out of all this mess; I really am because there�s got to be a rational, saner explanation as to why you have become a permanent inhabitant in my mind. Even before you came, I knew you would be a temptation, a possible cause of distraction from my vow to abstinence and loyalty to my boyfriend. I was glad I didn�t find you attractive when I first saw you striding along the corridor of our dorm. You look boyish and average, definitely not my kind of guy. Whew!

Months passed and we became closer. I look to you like the big sister that I am and you keep me amused with your adventure stories and lame jokes. It�s comfortable this thing we had you see, no emotions or butterflies; just pure, fun friendship. But one night changed everything! You flirted with our dorm mate�s sister at a party and she even slept at one of the rooms at our floor which led me to the obvious conclusion that you slept together. In an instant, it�s like a switch has been flicked somewhere and I�m seeing you more clearly than the night before. Its true then what they say that when you are about to lose someone, it will become the most important person to you. I remember not sleeping that night, constantly thinking what you two are doing locked in a room together. I have gone crazy inside after that but I never dared to tell you. You told me about it of course, how you �almost� did it with her and I�m not sure if I should believe you but it doesn�t matter right? I�m not your girlfriend, I have a boyfriend back home and you�re courting someone back in your hometown too so explaining isn�t really necessary.

I can tell by the amount of time she hangs out in our dorm that she likes you but you said you don�t that�s why I became more protective of you. We spent more time together trying to give her the idea that we�re an item and I�m beginning to feel different. The butterflies rapidly multiply, I begin to wake up in the wee hours of the night remembering how I dreamt about you, and then I start missing you.

One lazy Saturday, we hang out in my room like we usually do but this time I can feel something different, it was awkward and we were careful. Out of nowhere you kissed me and I responded, slowly at first like we�re not sure if it�s the right thing to do. I looked at you and lost all my inhibitions and caved in, it was stupid I know but the feeling seems so right. I was happy� for a while. You go to my room every night after that and the same sick feeling remains. You have no idea how guilty I am every time I talk to my boyfriend thru Skype after making out with you. We were getting dangerously close and people start to notice so I told you to slow down a little, you obliged.

We see less of each other after we talked about slowing down a bit and you don�t know how much I miss you. I miss your goodnight kisses, our long talks, cuddles and your smile. I guess I just miss all of you. I unsubscribed from your Facebook because I can�t stand looking at your cheesy status and goodnight messages to your girl, I don�t go online because it pains me when you don�t send a message, I changed your name on Skype so I won�t get thrilled every time you go online� you have no idea how much effort I put on learning how to forget you because I miss you so much. I put myself into this mess and I can�t seem to get out. I�m sorry I led you on, I�m sorry I can�t stand for you, I have to protect myself you know. I cannot risk losing my boyfriend over something I�m totally uncertain of.

But I miss you. You said you love me before but I was sure you didn�t mean it however I wish you do. Should you say those 3 words again, I might reply back because even if I don�t want to love you, I think I already do.