i've decided

ph: abran fuego

I�ve decided I�m going to concentrate on myself. What I want, what I need, what I feel. I need to figure out my own direction in life, my real interests, and what makes me happy. I can�t live off what I think I need, especially if I�m going to look for it from other people. I need a sense of my own self-satisfaction. I need confidence in myself. I like art, I like music, and I like literature. There are no rules, only what I feel. I�m not going to freak out over boys, not worry every second about not having one, nor am I going to read in to everything they say or do. I do not a need a boyfriend to define me. I just need me. Others� definitions do help to create me, but they do not define me. I am who I want to be. Everything is my own perception. I need to stop being so paranoid about everything. People notice me a lot less than I think, which also scares me because being the narcissist that I am, I love being noticed for the positive. I also need to realize that I can�t always get what I want. The Rolling Stones got it right. Life doesn�t always turn out how you plan, but I�ve realized that I need to just roll with the punches. There is no right path, because if there is I�m definitely on another fucking path than the one the media and our culture portray. A boy won�t like me just because I want him to, nor will someone who is just looking for an easy hookup (and I provide one) miraculously want a girlfriend, especially in such a scenario. Yet, I cannot become too jaded and miss an opportunity when it pops up. I need to just worry less about this. Of course worry is such an integral part of me. Before college it was about all I was missing out on and really trivial issues and loneliness. Now the issues are different but still derive from the same sense of insecurity and lack of satisfaction. While I�m still trying to figure what will help to fill the void in my soul, I�m going to relax more and do things that bring me pleasure while making sure I become a well adjusted adult. Patience�that�s all I need. Love will happen when it does. I can�t mistake lust or desire for love. You can�t force it or act like it�s an accessory. I�ll just have to wait and instead focus on what I have: good friends, fun adventures, opportunities in the greatest city in the world, a world class education, and a loving family. I�ll enjoy myself in the meantime without getting confused. All these boys, they�re just fun. Who needs serious? It feels good to kiss, to touch, but that�s not love. I�ll just enjoy it for what it is. I like to feel sexy and that�s what these boys provide. I want to feel desirable.