it always comes back to that

ph: Seren Coskun

Change is Hard. I should know.

I am so far beyond not ok that "not ok" doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am completely broken. heartbroken. torn apart. destroyed. i am a zombie.
the little pieces of myself i can get together is what you see walking around, pretending everything is ok.
its not. i haven't been ok for a really long time.
since last fall to be exact. the beginning of the school year is when my life and sanity started going down hill.
no one really reads this so i feel like i can get it out.
i haven't talked about it yet.

beginning in the fall of 2008, i started dating a guy that would end up bulldozing my world. I was head over heels. He was my everything. and i was his whole world. Blissful doesn't even begin to describe what we were. he was my best friend. he knew me better than anyone. he made me feel like i was the most beautiful thing in the world all the time. and i was his. we fit perfectly in every way. he knew how to handle my crazy emotional needs and i knew how to handle his insecurities. we would play all day, go to bed early just to lay in bed and talk. he wrote me notes and bought me flowers. he helped me through some really hard times. my family accepted him as one of us. I knew he was the one i was going to spend the rest of my life with. i was so in love. he was all there was in my world. he had the most beautiful blue eyes. they still haunt me. there isn't a day i don't think about them. or him. i still cry... its been over 7 months since the end.

he had given me a promise ring in the summer of 2009, and told me he intended to replace it with an engagement ring in the winter. he had asked my dad and everything. with that he took my heart again. we started having problems fall of 2009. not as blissful. but i was still as in love as ever. we thought it would be best to take a short "break" from each other to get our lives in order before we committed to each other fully. we wanted to get our relationships with God right. and our families.

during this short week, we didn't see each other as often. but one night i was over at his apartment doing homework. he got up and went to the bathroom and left me on the couch. while he was gone he got a text message. his iphone flashed the message from a girl named Haley saying "Can we just forget about what happened on Tuesday night? It wasn't like me at all and i don't want to be the one to ruin things with your girlfriend."

the blood drained from my face. i couldn't move. the next hour or so is somewhat fuzzy.
I got up from the couch and walked to the bathroom. i demanded an explanation.
I was shaking uncontrollably. he came out of the bathroom and sat on the corner of his bed.
i stood a safe distance away. we sat in silence for a few minutes, knowing what was coming.
I started screaming for an explanation.
he sat with his head in his hands crying.
i threw his phone against the wall over his bed. (denting the wall).
from there is where it gets hazy.
there was a lot of screaming and crying and throwing and hitting.
a broken box fan, shredded clothes, broken glass.
and "How could you do this to me?" was said a lot.
and just like that. my world was leveled.
he had taken every shred of sunshine, every happiness, and crushed it.
i still haven't healed.

the months following were filled with me going out on dates and trying to distract myself.
the first couple were the hardest.

one stands out. i went out on a date with a guy and we came back to my apartment to watch a movie.
i hear a familiar car motor outside. he was out there.
he knew about my date.
i walked out and he was on his knees in the street crying. begging for me to forgive him.
that's the image that is burned into my brain.
that's what breaks me the most.
pure desperation we both have. but i cant ever go back to him.

now, in the spring of 2010, i have been dating someone for almost 4 months now.
he is wonderful. he is sweet. he is caring and sentimental.
he is good for me. he cares about me. he may even love me.
he challenges me. we fight a lot. he pushes me to be better.
we have so much in common. we have fun together. we go out together.
we dance. he understands that i am broken and is patient with me most of the time.
i think i'm falling in love with him. as scary as that is to say. its true.
he makes me feel like i'm not falling apart slowly. like he can hold me together.
but that feeling doesn't last long. when he's away or we are fighting... i feel like i'm dying again. and i think about that wrecking ball that hit me just a few months before.
it always comes back to that.

my heart is still broken. that is clear.
how can i give away a broken heart?
that's not fair to him. none of this is. i try to hide it most of the time.
i want to be ok. i want to love him. it would be so easy. but my heart is in ruins...
all because of one man. one man who threw me away. one man who thought i wasn't enough.
even for a brief second.

now every man i have a relationship with for the rest of my life will have to deal with what he did.
every relationship will hurt because of the damage he caused.
i hate him for that.