if I could do it over

ph: Sophie Lilla

C-

I think the reason I can�t handle this is because I have so many regrets. If I could go back and do things over, I would change everything. From the start, I would tell you how much you meant to me. Fuck �clingyness�. I would be honest. I�d tell you about how much I liked your hair and your funny, awkward little laugh and your silver-capped teeth and your wrinkly hands and the way you�d look at me so seriously, through your lashes, and make my stomach flip flop.

What else would I redo? I�d tell you why I was sad. Why I was hurting. Why I was scared. I�d tell you about my dad. I�d tell you about how sometimes I just wanted to be alone and listen to music. I�d tell you about how terrified I was of conformity, of drinking, of being weak and vulnerable.

Then, when I was done telling you all that, I�d kiss you and you�d kiss me back. And I�d ask you to take care of me. �Take care of me, okay?� I�d say, and you�d say yes and kiss me again and I�d feel safe.

If I could do it over, I�d realized how much you appreciated me. How you truly cared about me, not just FOR me, but ABOUT me. You cared what I had to say. You cared if I was sad or a little lost. You cared about all my weird little quirks that other guys might pretend not to notice.

I think I scared you a lot. By nature, I�m unpredictable. I change everyday. You wanted to be secure, you wanted me to tell you all those things that I never did, because deep down you knew it wasn�t the same for me. Sometimes I�d be all over you, kissing your face, telling you stories, laughing at your jokes. But in a heartbeat I�d be different. I�d be introverted, reserved. I�d look at you for long moments like I was lost. Like I didn�t know how I got there. The truth is, I didn�t know.

You were a hundred percent certain I was exactly what you wanted. I wasn�t like anyone else you�d ever known. I was beautiful in a way that only chaos can be beautiful. I wished every day that I could be as certain as you were.

All those things I regret? All those things I wish I�d said? At the time, I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say everything.

But I was scared, so scared. I was scared that you might think I was clingy if I told you that you made me happy. I was scared that you might think I wanted attention if I talked about my dad. I was scared to look vulnerable and immature and na�ve if I told you my morals.

I wish that I hadn�t been so afraid. I wish I�d trusted you.

I didn�t know then just how much you cared about me. You never would have hurt me; you aren�t capable of that. I know that now. I know that you treated me so tenderly that I didn�t deserve you.

I�m so sorry for everything.

I�m glad we had each other. I�m glad you learned to love someone. I�m glad we were happy, even if only for a few weeks. I�m glad that you trusted me and respected me.

I can�t settle for anything less now. And that�s scary, and sad, but it�s okay because one day I know that someone else will come along who will care just as much as you did. Maybe he won�t come around for years, but he�ll be here. And with him, I�ll be certain. I�ll be as sure as you were with me. He�ll change my life like I changed yours, he�ll make me see everything differently and I won�t be afraid to make mistakes with him. And then he�ll break my heart like I broke yours, and you can laugh at me if you want, I deserve it.

Thank you. I�d say that I�m sorry, but I�m not sorry. I won�t apologize for a single second we spent together. All those regrets I have, all those mistakes I made, they won�t happen the next time around.

You taught me not to be scared.

-T