something i don't know

ph: Dream"

I don�t have very much experience with love, any actually, apart from my family and friends. And it terrifies me. Not because it�s something I don�t know, but because what if I never do experience it? I�m starting to feel like that lonely, pitiable, single friend not so much because I happen to be single, but because I�ve always been alone and the people around me have slowly all found someone to experience love with. And I�m the only one who hasn�t.

The worst part is that last spring I might have let someone slip right by me. He was a TA, leaving after graduation. Our paths crossed so many different times, but I was unwilling, too afraid to do anything because he was my teacher, even if he was only 2 years older than me and not technically my teacher. He was still giving me a grade. But what if he was my chance at love? I don�t know if it really was love, or just a huge crush, but I have never felt that way about anyone else. And the worst part? I think things were a little reciprocal.

This fall is the first time that someone has shown any real interest in me, and 'pursued' me in my 22 years. But I just didn�t like him more than in a friendly way. Everyone was pushing me to �just go for it!� but I just couldn�t. In the end I didn�t feel anything close to what I felt for Mr. TA. But did I push away Mr. Possibility because I was afraid? Or was it because I didn�t feel elated, anxious and nervous about seeing him the way that I did for Mr. TA?

I try every day to find at least one beautiful thing that I love and it helps me to fall head over heels in love with life itself. But I want more. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to give me a huge, crushing hug that you say is uncomfortably tight but secretly crave. I want someone to share my love of life with. And until I find someone who makes me feel close to the way I felt around Mr. TA, I just don�t see the point of going through the motions.

But what if I never find it? Or worse, what if I find it and my fear holds me back? I�ll be worse off than those that lost their loves because at least they got to experience that profound, eternal, elusive emotion.