Thursday, 30 May 2013

where to go from here

Untitled by Melania Brescia , on Flickr
ph: Melania Brescia

Every girl has a "scare" once or twice in her life at the doctor's office. I had mine and they removed a few spots and that was that. Nothing was precancerous and it seemed as though it would just clear up on its own. I couldn't think of who would have been the one to give this to me. no way it was you. I loved you. You were perfect in every way to me and our relationship was so beautiful and wonderful that something like that would never cross my mind. That was last october and now May is here and we find out that the girl you were with before me has the same thing that I did, but they are pre-cancerous, which means she gave it to you and you gave it to me. The moment that realization happened, my world just fell to pieces. Uncontrollable crying, cold sweats, fear, anger, disgust, everything was on my mind at that moment. It's bad enough that we see her as often as we do. No girl ever wants to think of her boyfriend having sex with another girl, even if it was before they ever met, but having to see her multiple times a week is so much harder. Knowing that you two have been intimate and that you shared that moment is overwhelmingly difficult to put aside and force out a smile and hello when we do see her, but now, knowing that I will forever be connected through her because of this incident is more than I can bare right now. I don't know how to explain to you in a way that you can empathize with me, but this is just too much. It really is. I love you with all of my heart and we've planned our lives out together, but moving past this huge hump in the road is just more than I can bare presently. I know you've said over and over that I just need to let it go and one day i'll have to get past it, but this girl is forever tied to me. All because she was the one and only girl you had unprotected sex with before me and look at what it did. I don't know where to go from here. I want to scream (I am screaming inside), I want to punch her, I want to shake you and make you go back and choose to play out that entire situation out differently. I'm hurt. I'm just really, really hurt. and even though I love you, the hurt is weighing more on my heart than anything else.

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