Sunday, 10 June 2012
to just move on and forget about you
I don't mind being called desperate and embarrassing and pathetic, the ex who couldn't move on, the ex who continued hoping. I was once yours and there have never been any secrets kept between us. You knew very well how not so good I am with keeping to myself whatever I feel.
It's not just because our "should-have-been-3rd-anniversary's" coming. Every single day since day one when we ended our love affair, I've been battling the familiar emptiness that I haven't felt for quite a long time. I was so used to having you around that even when we are not physically together, I am at peace knowing that you're just at the other end, waiting to be needed.
But things became totally different since that unfortunate day. I slept at night wondering if you ever thought of me too while you laid down on your mattress. If you ever missed the warmth we shared when we are right next to each other, hands intertwined in the dark. If you ever regretted giving me up, the first and only woman that you loved with your whole life.
Yet there's no way to know how you feel and think. I couldn't just make you say things that I want to hear.
Do you know it breaks my heart seeing you doing just fine while I bled and hurt inside? To realize that I'm the only one suffering and being haunted by memories and being lulled by tears to sleep at night. You probably don't even know how pathetic I think of myself every time I make and then break my own rules and self-imposed limitations. I try not to talk to you, not to smile at you, not to even look at you and I always end up swallowing my own crap.
Everybody's telling me to just move on and forget about you. That's like a stab in the flesh, through and through. They don't understand how hard it is for me. That moving on are not just words but actions needing a lot of energy to expend on.
Yes, it's almost been a year and look, here I am, still wallowing on misery. They say a person's just supposed to feel pain for 5 minutes. At the rate of how I'm doing, the pain's too tremendous that I couldn't just get over it. I just can't.
I don't know if I miss you or I love or I need you. Cos even if I figure that one out I'd be in deep shit anyway. So I think it's better that I think of you this way so things can get back to the way they were when you weren't part of the big picture.
There's one thing I know for sure though. I'm still finding that one person who wouldn't leave my life just when I need him the most.