Saturday, 21 April 2012
Naked words. No lies, no covering up wishes and hopes. Naked words. That cut deep into my heart as you speak them. You wish me no more and now what? Now what can I do? Pretend as if I don't care? Pretend I am fine. It is what you do. But I am not such a great liar. Naked words pour out of that perfect mouth of yours. That mouth that I have kissed and caressed. But you say, you're done, we're done. And what can I do? I must accept that, I know I must. But here I am, here I lay, every single night thinking "what did I do wrong"? Maybe I didn't love you enough. Maybe I should have fought for you, harder, stronger. But I am not strong, I am a mere child. A mere child, that fell in love with you, all of you. And I can't sleep; I can't breathe without you here. You have infiltrated all that is me, to the point where without you, I am nothing. I am scared, frightened, terrified, that those letters I have written to you, will end up in ash. I am afraid that the next time I see you; you will give me that same dead look you have given me for the past five days. Because those letters were the last shot I had at getting you back. And I've got this dreadful feeling inside, that they weren't enough. And remember what I told you: I'm afraid of not being good enough. And I know that I'm not, I'm not good enough, for anyone. But it's just that, I had convinced myself that I would be good for you, and that you'd be good for me. And now I'm left empty-handed. And hurt, oh, so hurt. I can't imagine my life without you, it seems preposterous. You're all I think about, at all times. I can't help but wonder if this is all the same for you. If you think about me before you go to bed at night. If your heart sinks every time you see me walk by, every time you see me smile. But it's all just wishful thinking, because I know that it's not the same anymore. I messed up, hundreds of times with you. And I can't take any of that back. I'm all alone now. I pushed you away. And now you're gone.